Well hello and happy Friday y’all! It’s only May 3rd and it’s already hot as hell in Pasadena, which is fine with me – I’m ready for summer.
The Scorcher
In an ice-filled Collins glass, pour vodka, gin, and St. Germain, top with limeade soda and garnish with a lemon.
*Don’t forget to take a cab if you’re imbibing. Have a wonderful weekend!
Happy Monday boys and girls. Today’s installment of Ask Vesta involves a tale of sinus betrayal…
Dear Vesta,
I just started seeing a girl and after we made out my sinuses got clogged, much like they do when my allergies (hay fever) are bad, within about 30 minutes. The thing is, I had a similar reaction when I had made out with my previous girlfriend too. Having now happened with multiple partners at different points during the year, I’m starting to worry I’m just allergic to other people’s saliva generally. Am I a freak or is this something you’ve heard about happening?
Sincerely,
The French Congestion
*****
Dear Congested,
Technically, yes you could be allergic to someone’s saliva, at least that’s what the interwebs tell me.
However.
I googled your predicament, and most of the instances I read about pertaining to allergic reactions to someone’s saliva involve breaking out in hives, not clogged sinuses. Also, if you have food allergies, read this. So, before we assume you’re allergic to swapping spit, let’s run through a few things…
You wrote this has happened previously, has it occurred with every person you’ve ever made out with, or only some of them? Are the only symptoms hay fever-like, or are there other indications of an allergic reaction?
Let me state that I’m not a doctor, so the following is only my speculation -
Are you sensitive to products? Detergents, perfumes, etc.? Because women wear all sorts of shit – hair products, perfume, scented powders and lotions, and don’t even get me started on face products. Most makeup primers, for example, contain silicone. Lip plumpers contain all sorts of irritants, and lip glosses often have mica as an ingredient to add a bit of sparkle. I personally am quite sensitive to perfume, so my immediate reaction to your dilemma was to think perhaps it isn’t the lucky lady’s saliva you are allergic to, but her fragrance, or face lotion? And if that’s the case, I’m not sure how you would go about testing which of her products might be the culprit, especially since the relationship is new. My advice? Take a Benadryl next time you have the opportunity make out, and make sure it’s a non-drowsy formula. Falling asleep mid-kiss wouldn’t be looked on kindly by your new lady friend.
Best of luck!!
*****
Gotta question? Send it to cowardlyfeminist at gmail dot com, with Ask Vesta in the subject heading. And yes, I learned my lesson about using long form.
Well Hello and Happy Monday, or what’s left of it, I should say. Before we get into this week’s Ask Vesta question, don’t forget to submit your cocktail photos for the contest, first place winner gets a $25 Amazon gift card. A couple of you sent emails about an extension, so let’s move the deadline to this Wednesday, July 11th. And for those of you that have submitted – thanks and awesome pics!
Also, you know how smart people give their email addresses long form, to keep spammers from spamming the ever-loving hell out of their inbox? Yeah, I didn’t do that in last week’s post. I opened my blog today to find a bajillion spam comments (go WordPress for filtering those punk-asses). Oddly enough, though they were from different locations, about half of them were more or less the exact same comment, and they all asked if the other commentors (yes, I know it isn’t a real word, but you know what I mean) are brain dead. Did y’all here that? Spammers are dissing you.
Anyhoo…
Dear Vesta,
K. and I were best friends all during college. Accidental roommates freshman year that actually worked out. After we moved away we still kept in touch via phone and email. And we tried to see each other once a year. We both understood the other’s quirks – especially when it came to relationships. Then, she moved to another country and we lost touch. I was going through some things and at first she would respond to my emails, supportive as always. After a few months, however, she stopped responding. Eventually I got tired of getting no response, so I stopped sending the emails. Now we’ve gone about a year and a half without talking – other than a few comments on photos via facebook. Obviously her being in another country makes phone calls hard, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for the occasional email.
Well, we did just reconnect via an email and subsequent google chat. I’m hopeful the communication continues, but not confident. The reason she got in touch was to ask for me address so she could invite me to her wedding. I knew she was engaged thanks to facebook, and I actually did meet this guy once, but I know very little about their relationship. But of course I am happy for her. The problem is I don’t feel like going. She was my best friend and there was never any question that I’d be at her wedding but with so little contact I’ve grown distant and am not at all excited – though I desperately want to be. The fact that it’s out of state for me and will involve expensive flights and travel just for a weekend trip should not matter for my bestie, but right now it feels like a burden. Also, she’s getting married on my anniversary! I am not too upset over this, since I don’t think she realized/did it on purpose. It’s more a matter of annoyance that the boyfriend and I have to celebrate another weekend. I know, it makes me sound childish! So how do I stop feeling resentful and just be happy for my friend?
Sincerely,
Should I stay or should I go?
***
Dear Should or Shouldn’t,
Okay, so let’s review – your friend lives out of the country, and for whatever reason the two of you haven’t had any communication other than the trivial facebook sort for over a year and a half. The reason she contacted you was to invite you to the wedding, not to be in the wedding, is that correct?
First, I wonder why exactly you feel resentful rather than pleased. Is it the inconvenience of having to spend time and money to attend a wedding on your anniversary? Or is it that she didn’t contact you personally to share the news of her engagement?
I would ignore the fact that she is getting married on your anniversary. Any number of reasons could account for that, from she simply didn’t think about it, to that particular date was the only one available for the wedding venue.
As for whether or not you should attend, I would say that is entirely up to you. In my opinion, out of the country weddings (or out of the country guests, in your case, since I assume she’s marrying somewhere in the vicinity of where she currently lives) aren’t mandatory to attend. Travel and lodging are pricey, and I think most people, while they would surely love to have you share in their special day, also understand it is asking a lot.
Having said that, if it is financially feasible for you and your guy to attend, then why not go? Book a nice hotel and look at it as a romantic weekend getaway, as well as an opportunity to see your old bestie get married.
If you choose not to go – send a gift, and a handwritten, heartfelt letter to your friend explaining how happy you are for her. It sounds as though both of you lament the fact that you have grown apart, otherwise why else would she have invited you to the wedding? Whatever happens, I hope the two of you are able to resume communication.
Good luck!
VV
Well hello and happy Monday. It was not my intention to tease you guys with the announcement of an announcement last week, I just so happened to run into a snafu and had to push it to this week. Anyhoo, lots of things happening in the House of Vesta. First, I want to help you get your cocktail on this summer. So beginning tomorrow, June 26th, through Saturday, June 30th, you can download a copy of Drink Well for free on Amazon! Hell to the yes. If you don’t have an e-reader, fear not, you can download it right to your computer, or even your smartphone. Tomorrow I will post all the links.
Once you download Drink Well, and tell everyone you know to do so too, because hell, it’s free, your true mission will begin.
Mission, you say? What mission?
Your assignment is to make one of the cocktails in Drink Well, and then take a photo. Get creative folks. The book already contains twenty Glamour Shots of the cocktails, now I want you to get crazy. Once all the submissions are in, the top three most inventive pics will be posted on my blog. The first place winner will receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
So, let’s review –
*Everyone can download a copy of Drink Well, for free, June 26th – 30th!
*I am giving you license to make yourself a cocktail, and then take wild photos. Feel free to interpret that in any way you wish.
*The top three submissions get a shout out and their photo posted on the Cowardly Feminist.
*The winner, which will be determined by someone other than me, by the way, because I love you guys and therefore wouldn’t be able to choose, will win a $25 Amazon gift card.
The download period begins tomorrow and runs through Saturday, and you will have until July 8th to submit your cocktail pic. Winners will be announced the following Friday, during Happy Hour. Send your photo submissions to me at cowardlyfeminist@gmail.com, with Cocktail Photo Contest in the subject heading. Along with your photo, make sure to tell me which cocktail from Drink Well appears in your pic, and make sure to send either your name or your blog url and/or online identity (I know some of you keep it anonymous on the Big Bad Internet).
Oh, you’ve gotta be 21 to enter this contest folks, I do not want to ABC to rain hellfire down upon me. Woot.
M’kay, so now that announcement time is over, let’s move on to this week’s Ask Vesta question, which was a major toughie.
Dear Vesta,
How long is too long to hold onto a friendship that has drifted?
A friend of mine from years ago has become the single most high-maintenance person I know. Not only have we drifted apart, but I feel that she demands my attention more than I can give. She’s been on disability for years now, both she and her husband, so they are nearly homebound. Some people handle their hardships with grace, but these two prefer to believe the world is falling apart and expect us all to go out of our way to make their life better. She wants me to come over for some “girl time” but can never come to me, or even meet me halfway, and for me to go to her is over an hour drive. When I don’t respond with appropriate sympathy at her or her husband’s latest ailment, I’m lambasted – at least I assume I’m included in the general lambast that goes out on Facebook.
Honestly, when we can get together we enjoy each other’s company, but not like before. She and I are on the same wavelength intellectually, but personality-wise and culturally, we have drifted. I find that I’m censoring myself because I no longer believe or act the way she and I used to. And whenever we are at the point of getting together, she will text me umpteen times a day to figure things out. She’s a pain, Vesta, and I don’t know if the mild enjoyment of her company is worth the trouble it takes to get there. I feel like the only reason I maintain this friendship is because she’s in bad health. Is it noble, or hypocritical to keep this up? How long should this umbilical cord be?
…and then, how DO I break the tie?
Burning Bridges
Dear Burning,
My, oh my, you have a tough decision.
My first question to you would be this – have you explained your feelings to this person? Telling someone that they’ve ultimately become a high-maintenance time-suck is bound to be an uncomfortable conversation, however, it is likely she simply is not aware of the person she has become (I’m assuming she wasn’t always this way). Upon telling your friend the truth, one of two things will happen, well, one thing will most certainly happen – and that is, her initial reaction will probably be one of anger and hurt.
My advice is, when that happens, don’t back down.
Years ago, a good friend of mine made a reference to my manner of dealing with people, and it was rather unflattering. My feelings were hurt, and my initial reaction was to say ‘I don’t do that!’ I went home and thought about it, and realized my friend was right. It fundamentally changed how I interact with people, in a good way. And you know something? I’m still friends with her, all these years down the road. She did me a favor by telling me the truth.
Your friend may or may not have the same reaction. If she chooses to accept what you said, and subsequently examines her behavior, she might make changes. If she decides to stay angry, and continue along the ‘woe is me’ path, then the decision of how to cut off the friendship will already be made – by her.
Friends are a precious and important part of our lives, and they should be treated well. That said, not everyone is meant to travel with you all through life. We grow as people, interests change, and sometimes friendships that worked well in younger years don’t translate to later in life. You say you continue to act as a friend due to her bad health, and that is very decent of you. However, a person can be in poor health for decades. How long do you think you can keep up your friendship in its current state? Of course you want to stand by friends and family, but that does not necessarily mean you should perpetually be the giver of sympathy. At some point, when confronted by a demanding person who takes and takes, you will run out of things to give, namely time and empathy.
Clearly, at one point you valued your relationship with this woman, because of that, do her the courtesy of explaining your feelings regarding her attitude and actions. If you do decide to break ties with her, don’t allow her to make you feel guilty. This is your life, and the choice to surround yourself with positive people is yours.
***
Don’t forget to send your questions to me at cowardlyfeminist@gmail.com, with Ask Vesta in the subject heading. I’ll answer anything!