Monthly Archives: December 2011

It’s Cocktail Time – Double Fisting It!

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In less than 48 hours 2011 will be over. I will have to say, it’s been a good year. I won’t go into a long mushy post about it, but all in all I feel content. I would, however, like to say thanks to you guys, both for reading, and for those of you that are writers too, for making me laugh. To the people that bought a copy of one or both of my books, I thank you so hard it’s scary, and even more so for the folks that left a review on Amazon – you rock.

Now, I’m not going to do a ‘I’ll tell you my resolutions if you tell me yours’, but lemme just say that if you haven’t bought a copy of Human Resources, Martinis, and Other Bad Things (or Drink Well), it’s not too late. Oh hell no, you can end your year with a bang (yeah, I know, that’s really ending my year with one, but whatever) by getting a copy, or you can put it at the top of your New Year list…I’m just sayin’.

But on to other things. Important things, like what in the hell are y’all gonna drink to bring in the New Year? Don’t know yet? Well I can help, and I’m posting Cocktail Hour a little early today to give you more than enough time to make a run to the liquor store. Because I am a giver. I giveth so much I am setting you up for the entire weekend.

For New Year’s Eve, spiffy up your champagne with…more alcohol.

If you like sweet:

  • 1 oz pear vodka
  • Champagne (I’d recommend not going with an asti, as it is a sweet sparkling wine and will make the cocktail too syrupy)

A less sweet option:

  • 1 oz St. Germain
  • 3 dashes Angostura Bitters or Fernet Branca
  • Champagne

Toast, enjoy the New Year, and don’t have too many because hell hath no fury like a champagne hangover.

But that’s not all folks. What about Sunday? You may need a little hair of the dog. Or perhaps you didn’t party too hard, and just want a mellow and delicious way to spend the opening of 2012, because after all, it may very well be the last New Year we celebrate. I don’t want to leave you high and dry, (and, if you are like me and have difficulties staying awake until midnight, you might want one of these for a little caffeine pick me up tomorrow night) so for your drinking pleasure I give you…

OOGA!

The Apocalypse

  • 1 oz Kahlua
  • 1 oz Almendrado Tequila (tequila with almond, yum!)
  • 3 dashes Orange Flower Water
  • 2 dashes Aztec Chocolate Bitters (yes, I  know this is supposed to be about the Mayans, but whatever, just go with it)
  • Top with coffee, and add cream to taste

If you aren’t a coffee person (what’s wrong with you?), then you can make The Apocalypse with hot chocolate instead. However, the Four Horsemen will probably come for you first (I know that’s a totally different end of the world scenario, but there are so many it’s hard to keep track. Let’s throw in a comet too and be done with it).

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I am So. Freaking. Lazy.

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Seriously. I don’t know what the deal is today. I woke up at 6am, walked the dogs, made coffee and sat down in front of the computer.

Nothing.

I responded to some emails, checked out blogs I love, went back to thinking about a post. Nothing. Then my husband woke up, we had stuff to do, blah blah blah. Earlier this evening I attempted to finish something I half-ass wrote this morning, and still wasn’t feeling it. So I gave up, because some days, you just draw a blank. No biggie.

Now, I could have powered through my big ass brain freeze and probably come up with something, but you know what I did instead? I watched two episodes of Ugly Americans. It’s on the Netflix streaming, I’m four episodes in, and it is probably the most inappropriate cartoon I’ve ever seen (well, except maybe for Archer, but Archer is pretty witty. And wrong. Oh, and I’m not including the weird and effed up Anime. Some of that stuff is disturbing, but not in a good way). Did that stop me from watching? Nope. I guess the only positive thing to say about the show is that it’s equally offensive to all groups – everyone’s a target.

So there you have it, I watched cartoons that are in poor taste, and probably would have watched another episode, but my husband wanted to watch a movie. Clearly I don’t have the attention span today for anything other than 22 minutes of vulgarity, so I left him to watch whatever he wanted. I looked at pictures in read a magazine, and when I finished, looked up Ugly Americans to see if some network actually greenlit  a second season of the show (it already aired, no clue about a third). This, of course, meant I had to look it up on Youtube, where I found this:

* If you are easily offended by penises and/or raunchy cartoons involving zombies, then please don’t play this video.



**My husband just walked in the room, and totally unfazed by King Missile, said good night and wandered off to bed. I’m not sure what that says about me as a person.

I will also admit that I like this song.

Yup, I am secretly obsessed.

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I think I’ve mentioned before that we don’t have television. We buy episodes on Amazon of a few shows, or wait for them to come out on Netflix. This means we aren’t privy to the world of sitcoms and reality television, which is fine by me. But any time we are in a hotel, at least once during our stay we get sucked in to watching something ridiculous. Last time it was a show about Gypsies and weddings – this time it was something called Cathouse, which has probably been on the air forever, but is new to me. My husband was flipping through channels when several sets of boobs flashed across the screen. I grabbed my glasses off the nightstand, and in an instant became engrossed. The show is ludicrous, includes a number of prostitutes, johns, and one man that looks remarkably like Jabba the Hut. I am not particularly interested in hookers or catfights, so why would I get sucked in to such a show?

The answer is that I have an almost man-like obsession with breasts, but minus the sex and without the drooling. So when I saw several pairs, each one larger than my head, how could I not watch?

I always assumed I would be fine in the rack department because my mother is, um, well-endowed (is that the right terminology for women, or does that only apply to dudes? Maybe blessed is a better term?). Middle school came and went, then high school…I was twenty before it finally dawned on me that the boob gene passed right on by. It was a serious disappointment. It took another few years before I got over it (I am all for plastic surgery if the person thinks it will make them feel better. However, I know too many people that had problems with implants, one of which was the sister of a friend who woke up one morning with her right boob deflated. The mental picture of a big perky boob right next to a sad and droopy one with the stuffing gone was enough to turn me off to the idea. I know it’s a small percentage of people that have problems, but Murphy and I are close friends. If someone’s implant is going to explode on an airplane or something, I’d be the one that was the .000000001%, trust me). Sure, I can’t pull off a tube top, but I don’t have to worry about all the things that go along with being large breasted. Clothes fit, I go jogging without any problems, and sagging is a non-issue. Good deal. But, I am completely fascinated by what I don’t have. I once had a friend that went to China. He was blonde with blue eyes, and he said people stopped him constantly to take a picture or touch his hair. That’s me with boobs, except I don’t take photos or touch them (so it really isn’t the same at all, but you know what I mean).

It sounds weird, I know, but if huge ta-tas pass by on the street, I will take a quick peek. I just can’t help it. I think this works out well for my husband. He is very, very good about being respectful, and he never ever checks other women out in front of me. So while he might think my interest in boobs is a little weird, the fact that I am the one to point them out allows him to look without worry of getting smacked upside the head. Everyone’s a winner.

Anyway, I went onto You Tube to find clips of Cathouse, and instead came up with this:

WTF?