Monthly Archives: February 2012

Meet Bobby, he’s bad ass

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16

Today I’m going to tell you about my real-life friend, Bobby Brimmer. We met years ago while working in hell. He’s rad. Really. He’s funny, completely inappropriate, and he knows Krav Maga. That makes him one fitted suit and five martinis away from being Archer.

But, you know, without the gun

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now let me tell you a little story about an important conversation.

One morning years ago, Bobby, myself, and some other coworkers sat in the Burbank Airport waiting for a flight so we could attend some stupid meeting about how they could make hell hotter. The flight was delayed, so while waiting, we chatted about what we really wanted to do in life (because clearly getting on that plane to go sit in a conference room for hours, during which time nothing important would be accomplished, wasn’t it). Guess what my answer was? A writer. At the time I was more focused on non-fiction books pertaining to my degrees. Bobby said I should take all the fun stuff from that and create a bitchin’ female fiction character. And I did. It was my first novel (um, but it sucked. However, I am in the process of a total rewrite, and expect it will be out later this year). As you know, I went on to leave my position of recruiting people to work in hell, and wrote my second book. But, in the interim between that airport conversation and quitting time (which was long), Bobby was my friend and writing buddy. We entered flash fiction contests, traded stories for feedback, and bitched about writer’s block and the publishing industry in general.

Why am I telling you this? Because Bobby left hell too (although he was smart enough to keep himself in the loop as a consultant), and today his novel, G.H.O.S.T. Teams (Book 1)  Magic, is available on Amazon (I already bought my copy). It’s sort of like Men in Black, but instead of aliens they police vampires, werewolves, trolls, and other creatures. Congratulations dude.

You guys can hit Bobby up on Facebook here. And also, today you can ask Bobby anything in the comments section, and he will answer. So if you’d like to ask any questions about his book, or who would win in a fight to the death between Jean Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren, then please do.

Oh, by the way ladies, did I mention that he’s single?

Update – Wow, I need to start writing earlier in the day.

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18

Dang! I had all sorts of posts lined up for the week, but other stuff keeps popping up that I feel must be addressed. Like the fact that everyone loves to get an award.

So you guys know Bondo (autocorrect keeps changing it to Bono. Bondo, dammit!), right? He has a lovely site called Movie Review Warehouse, reviewing all sorts of films, from big budget to obscure. Don’t know what to put next on your Netflix queue? Visit Bondo. Anyway, he was nice enough to send one of those Leibster thingies my way. It’s the newest making the blog rounds, I’m sure you’ve seen it (or received it!). Here’s what I love about Bondo, he tells it like it is, such as his take on the Leibster Award:

“…the pyramid scheme of small blog recognition.”

Yup, that about sums it up, and I appreciate being Amwayed. I always refer to these as Chain Letter Awards, but I like Bondo’s analogy much better. But honestly, who doesn’t like to get an award, even if it’s a pyramid scheme to self-promote? And more importantly, it gives the recipient a chance to give a shout out to other awesome folks. And I am all about giving props. You know what else I’m all about? Making stuff up. My problem with these is that you typically pick several other people to send it to, it’s like a one size fits all award. I read all different blogs, and therefore decided to make up my own awards, tailored to each person.

Let’s start with Charity of Metamorphosis fame. To Charity, I had plans to bestow a Bad Ass Blogger Award, but then I googled it, and someone already made that one up, go figure. I put a lot of thought into this one, because I have a way big blog crush on Charity. She is freaking hilarious, and on occasion poignant enough to make me teary-eyed, and I am not a crier. In a nutshell, she rocks.

WAIT! Back. The. F*CK. Up.

So to get some inspiration for what made up award to send to Charity I visited her blog, because I haven’t read her post today. Then I noticed she double posted, and she posted the same damn thing! BWAHAHAHAHA! Now I feel like a fool, because she beat me to this fake award by a few hours, and now I am basically giving it right back to her. Except not exactly, because I am giving Charity the BoobBlogger Award. Why? Because Charity will post a boob photo for no particular reason, and also because her Boobicorn post last week was hilarious.

I also just decided my made up awards come with music. This is the Charity BoobBlogger Award Theme Song:

Now for Award #2 – Misty of Misty’s Laws. I know y’all have seen her feet around the internet. I give Misty the Facts of Life Award. What the hell is that, you ask? Well lemme tell you. Misty is like the entire cast of Facts of Life rolled into one person. She’s Blair-fabulous, Jo-tough, Tootie-sassy, and Natalie-funny, with a dollop of Mrs. Garrett wisdom thrown in for good measure (wow, now that I think about it, Facts of Life was all about stereotyping, huh?). Anyhoo, there is only one song to go with this award, and y’all know what it is –

So guess what? Pish Posh, who is next on my list, also received this Leibster thing today. Haha! Well I am not giving you another one missy, on no! Instead, I give you the Sexytime Blogger Award. Why? Because Pish knows sexy. My first thought was that her theme song must surely be Rod Stewart’s Do ya Think I’m Sexy, but Rod is not a sexy mo-fo. In honor of Pish Posh, let’s go with Everybody Knows.

And then there’s Carrie at Cannibalistic Nerd. Carrie cracks me up, and she finds the most awesomely old school things to entertain us with, and that is why she gets the Scooby Doo Award of Blogging. I have no idea who this is, but it is so Carrie’s Theme Song:

And finally, I leave you with a blog I recently started reading, Annie at Orphan Doll. All I can say is, what’s not to love? Valley of the Dolls, Ninja Kitties, seriously, she’s a little slice of heaven. I was a bit stuck in what would be an appropriate theme song for Annie – then it hit me. I’m making my way through her archives, and the last post I read had to do with a looking glass. So, go ask Alice, or Annie, or whoever….

*Update – Oops! I got so involved finding Annie’s Theme Song I forgot to name her award. Duh, It can only be the Mother’s Little Helper Award (and if you don’t know what that means then you are a youngin, and probably haven’t read Valley of the Dolls either).

Well sh*t, I got flagged.

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22

Hell’s fire and little fishes, it’s Monday. I have all sorts of things cooking for posts this week, but today let’s address the Bang we started off with last week, which apparently got me flagged by the internet gods. Lovely reader Red informed me she could no longer access my blog at work, because it was flagged as inappropriate.

Waaaaa? Well first, lemme say *tsk *tsk Red for cruising the big bad internet at work (see IT department? Or HR? Or whichever of you decides what gets flagged or firewalled or whatever the hell it is? I’m not inappropriate at all). To tell you the truth, I was taken aback by this revelation, because I didn’t think my tags were bad, or my language was, you know, terrible. So, what I deduced is that we used the term gl*ry h*le one too many times in the comments section (although, it could have been the frequent mention of various other body parts). Which sucks because I need to use it in this post too.

Since I didn’t know that was the proper term, I blame you guys for this internet flag of inappropriateness (see how I deflected fault?). Also, I don’t have a normal job, or know anyone that works in an office with internet filters, so somebody keep me updated as to whether or not my blog is still a no-no. And by the way, if you are a new reader, we are usually much more mature. Sort of.

Anyway.

I got a text from my dad yesterday (who, being the king of smartassery that he is, was a ‘text test’, which I failed since I called him back instead of texting). The message was in reference to last Monday’s post, which started off with fair warning to any persons related to me. The text read -

…“if we’re related stop reading here” is the same as saying “oh Daddy! Please, please, PLEASE READ MY BLOG, PRETTY PLEASE!!!”

So my pops got to read all about penis holes too. He did not seem in the least bit surprised. My sister, on the other hand, called an hour later to tell me I’m a moron.

“How do you NOT know what a gl*ry h*le is?? Seriously? Don’t you remember Olmos Park was known for that in the men’s bathroom?!?”

Um, no little sissy, I didn’t. Did you?

Anyhoo, what annoys me about all this is that I got flagged for something I didn’t even know about. And you know what? I do not accept this. Censorship sucks. You know what else sucks? Dipping baby chickens in vats of Manic Panic. For those of you looking for the strength to kick the Angry Birds addiction, here you go-

Phone call from my husband (he’s in Manila)…

Husband: I just saw a woman pushing a shopping cart down the street and it was full of baby chicks dyed different bright colors. Green, blue, red, purple…I asked why they were dyed and she said it’s because the kids love Angry Birds so much. They sell them to kids near the schools.

Me: Please tell me you got a picture.

He hung up immediately to chase her down, but didn’t find the Angry Bird Lady. He did find one little blue soldier that, I don’t know, committed suicide off the side of the cart or something. But the photo was horribly depressing, so I didn’t post it, and I don’t even like birds. Anyway, if you are one of those looking for motivation to cease the Angry Birds habit, then for the love of baby chickens stop playing that game.

And finally, none of you got to see me dance a jig last night, but I jigged it up like nobody’s business upon learning y’all awesome folks bestowed a Bloggie on me. Thank you, I am stoked.

Happy Monday.

It’s Cocktail Time – Early Edition!

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15

It’s Friday y’all, that means one more day in the work week to be productive and get stuff done. Tomorrow is the weekend, and perhaps the more adventurous of you will kick it off tonight.

Well screw you guys, I’m starting now.

It’s only noon in California, but hey, it’s five o’clock in Chile. And for my Eastern Standard Time homies, it’s already three – that’s close enough to quitting time to pour a quick one. So for those of you ready to kick off Happy Hour early, may I present you with:

Someone some where is saying, 'But Vesta, it isn't five!' Seriously, does this hair look like it cares? Uh-uh, this is the hair that says screw productivity.

Vesta’s Nooner

*Note – a Nooner is typically vodka, coffee brandy, sherry, and lime juice, but let’s face it, that’s disgusting. Coffee brandy and lime juice is not a winning combination. Anyhoo…in an ice-filled martini shaker pour:

    • 1 ½  oz Tito’s Handmade Vodka
  • ½ oz Domaine de Canton Ginger Liqueur
  • ½ oz Cherry Brandy (or ¼ oz grenadine, if you’d rather)
  • ¼ oz Rose’s Lime Juice

Shake, strain into chilled martini glass, and enjoy!