You know how things suddenly come into vogue, seemingly out of nowhere? I’ve noticed this in the past couple years with kale. For the longest it was found in health food stores, and consumed by, you know, health food nuts. Now it’s touted as the wonder green to eat, and comes prepackaged and pre-washed, right along side the romaine lettuce at your local supermarket. There are seriously like, ten different kale salads at Whole Foods. For the longest time I attempted to get my husband to take a bite of my kale Waldorf, and he would turned his nose up, followed by a ‘no thanks’. One day he decided to be brave, and lo and behold, he actually liked it and now eats kale regularly. My point is, kale is having a moment.
And that is how I feel about the vagina.
Before the Cowardly Feminist, I co-wrote another blog in which we discussed the vagina regularly (that actually didn’t come out right. What I mean is we discussed things like grooming preferences and cultural differences in what is considered attractive). Because of that, I sort of felt like The Vadge was played out, and therefore I never post about it. But I can’t escape the V-word. Today alone I’ve seen the word a dozen times online and in magazines. It’s as though women can’t stop talking about their parts. I don’t know if this recent ‘coming out’ of the vagina is pay back for years and years of men talking about their junk, or what, but for Pete’s sake it’s everywhere right now. So much so that I am sick of it, and I have one.
And yet, I’m fascinated by this new marketing frontier.
Recently I learned about vaginal bleaching, which sounds frightening. Today I discovered there is also a pink, temporary dye you can use to…well, I’m not sure. I guess it’s like vaginal blush. And of course we’ve all heard arguments about the pornification of our vaginas. Personally, I’ve had the same ‘do for a dozen years. I never really thought it was the product of porn, because it isn’t something I watch. However, I will acknowledge I’ve probably been indoctrinated into thinking it should look a particular way, which I didn’t realize for the longest time. About a year ago my husband and I were watching a movie that contained a full frontal shot of a woman that was totally au natural. Her hoo had more hair than I have on my head. I let out a squeal, and my husband laughed hysterically, because it was pretty freaking shocking. I mean, what was going on down there?
Somebody bring in the hedge clippers, stat.
I relayed all this to a friend, who thought it hilarious that we were so appalled by the copious amounts of bush on screen. And she was right. Who am I to judge what constitutes too much hair? Clearly I am a fan of grooming. At least give it all a trim, you know? However, while I may think trimming and shaping is necessary, the new crop of vaginal trends is pretty freaking outrageous, not to mention expensive. And you know what else? I think most men find it bizarre.
Example 1 – Vajazzling
If I came home with a sparkly crotch, my husband would probably laugh me right out of bed. Plus, how are you not concerned with finding those little jewels in unfortunate places later on? Huh? No, no thank you. Conversely, if he tried to dick-dazzle his bits, I would have the same reaction, only much, much worse. And he would never live it down.
Example 2 – Dying your pubes Muppet colors
Um, I don’t think this one requires much discussion. I mean, I guess it isn’t all that different from dying the hair on your head blue or pink. But…well, whatever floats your boat.
Example 3 – Jewelry with vaginal uses
This is pretty confounding to me – jewelry that does double duty, such as Ben Wa balls that can also be worn as a lariat necklace. I can only hope the wearer chooses either one use or the other, but not both.
Example 4 – Vaginal Rejuvenation
This is actually the one I’d like to discuss. First off, I didn’t realize this, but there are numerous cosmetic procedures for the vagina. Were you guys aware of that? Am I out of the loop? They range from snipping the lips, to strengthening the interior, to injecting it with fillers. As much as the first two freak me out, the last one makes the least amount of sense to me. For what purpose would you inflate it? I just…don’t understand.
Look, I don’t judge anyone for having plastic surgery, as long as it’s done within reason. I think it’s important to point out that cosmetic procedures aren’t emotional fixes. If you hate your nose and want it changed, then hells yes, go for it. If you hate your life, on the other hand, a new nose probably isn’t going to solve all your problems. But changing around your lady bits? Wow. I don’t look at enough vaginas to have anything to compare mine to, therefore I’m good with what I’ve got. Also, and I could be totally wrong, but I think most guys would not notice any of this stuff, save maybe the bedazzling, because that would be really hard to miss.
Anyway, going back to my earlier point, I am sick of hearing the word vagina, and all the little cutesy diminutives that have popped up recently; vajayjay being at the top of the list. So I propose a new word. I mean, vaginas seem to have a new lease on life (or have been unleashed on the public, thank you Britney). Now we can’t just make up a word, because, you know, that’d be silly. So I suggest we take a rarely used word and change its meaning. I offer up curmudgeon. Nobody uses it anymore, and since we like to use nicknames, we can shorten it to mudgeon.
“That girl just totally flashed her mudgeon.”
See? If I said that you would know what I was talking about, right?