You know how things suddenly come into vogue, seemingly out of nowhere? I’ve noticed this in the past couple years with kale. For the longest it was found in health food stores, and consumed by, you know, health food nuts. Now it’s touted as the wonder green to eat, and comes prepackaged and pre-washed, right along side the romaine lettuce at your local supermarket. There are seriously like, ten different kale salads at Whole Foods. For the longest time I attempted to get my husband to take a bite of my kale Waldorf, and he would turned his nose up, followed by a ‘no thanks’. One day he decided to be brave, and lo and behold, he actually liked it and now eats kale regularly. My point is, kale is having a moment.
And that is how I feel about the vagina.
Before the Cowardly Feminist, I co-wrote another blog in which we discussed the vagina regularly (that actually didn’t come out right. What I mean is we discussed things like grooming preferences and cultural differences in what is considered attractive). Because of that, I sort of felt like The Vadge was played out, and therefore I never post about it. But I can’t escape the V-word. Today alone I’ve seen the word a dozen times online and in magazines. It’s as though women can’t stop talking about their parts. I don’t know if this recent ‘coming out’ of the vagina is pay back for years and years of men talking about their junk, or what, but for Pete’s sake it’s everywhere right now. So much so that I am sick of it, and I have one.
And yet, I’m fascinated by this new marketing frontier.
Recently I learned about vaginal bleaching, which sounds frightening. Today I discovered there is also a pink, temporary dye you can use to…well, I’m not sure. I guess it’s like vaginal blush. And of course we’ve all heard arguments about the pornification of our vaginas. Personally, I’ve had the same ‘do for a dozen years. I never really thought it was the product of porn, because it isn’t something I watch. However, I will acknowledge I’ve probably been indoctrinated into thinking it should look a particular way, which I didn’t realize for the longest time. About a year ago my husband and I were watching a movie that contained a full frontal shot of a woman that was totally au natural. Her hoo had more hair than I have on my head. I let out a squeal, and my husband laughed hysterically, because it was pretty freaking shocking. I mean, what was going on down there?
Somebody bring in the hedge clippers, stat.
I relayed all this to a friend, who thought it hilarious that we were so appalled by the copious amounts of bush on screen. And she was right. Who am I to judge what constitutes too much hair? Clearly I am a fan of grooming. At least give it all a trim, you know? However, while I may think trimming and shaping is necessary, the new crop of vaginal trends is pretty freaking outrageous, not to mention expensive. And you know what else? I think most men find it bizarre.
Example 1 – Vajazzling
If I came home with a sparkly crotch, my husband would probably laugh me right out of bed. Plus, how are you not concerned with finding those little jewels in unfortunate places later on? Huh? No, no thank you. Conversely, if he tried to dick-dazzle his bits, I would have the same reaction, only much, much worse. And he would never live it down.
Example 2 – Dying your pubes Muppet colors
Um, I don’t think this one requires much discussion. I mean, I guess it isn’t all that different from dying the hair on your head blue or pink. But…well, whatever floats your boat.
Example 3 – Jewelry with vaginal uses
This is pretty confounding to me – jewelry that does double duty, such as Ben Wa balls that can also be worn as a lariat necklace. I can only hope the wearer chooses either one use or the other, but not both.
Example 4 – Vaginal Rejuvenation
This is actually the one I’d like to discuss. First off, I didn’t realize this, but there are numerous cosmetic procedures for the vagina. Were you guys aware of that? Am I out of the loop? They range from snipping the lips, to strengthening the interior, to injecting it with fillers. As much as the first two freak me out, the last one makes the least amount of sense to me. For what purpose would you inflate it? I just…don’t understand.
Look, I don’t judge anyone for having plastic surgery, as long as it’s done within reason. I think it’s important to point out that cosmetic procedures aren’t emotional fixes. If you hate your nose and want it changed, then hells yes, go for it. If you hate your life, on the other hand, a new nose probably isn’t going to solve all your problems. But changing around your lady bits? Wow. I don’t look at enough vaginas to have anything to compare mine to, therefore I’m good with what I’ve got. Also, and I could be totally wrong, but I think most guys would not notice any of this stuff, save maybe the bedazzling, because that would be really hard to miss.
Anyway, going back to my earlier point, I am sick of hearing the word vagina, and all the little cutesy diminutives that have popped up recently; vajayjay being at the top of the list. So I propose a new word. I mean, vaginas seem to have a new lease on life (or have been unleashed on the public, thank you Britney). Now we can’t just make up a word, because, you know, that’d be silly. So I suggest we take a rarely used word and change its meaning. I offer up curmudgeon. Nobody uses it anymore, and since we like to use nicknames, we can shorten it to mudgeon.
“That girl just totally flashed her mudgeon.”
See? If I said that you would know what I was talking about, right?
FUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk!!! I just wrote you a whole long shpeil about the history of the vag and how much I love kale and how I have an amazing recipe for a soup with it and how I’ve been eating it for YEARS and how the Vagina is trending and BAM!!!
deleted.
I’m mad.
//pout
Also? I’ve had, like, three Tom Collinsisisisis.
Which may or may not have something to do with pushing the wrong keys and deleting my previous comment.
mutha-effahs.
Tom Collins? That sounds good. I think I’m gonna go make one.
Meeee too! Also, I like mudgeon. BUT, can we have something with a positive connotation? Mudgeon sounds a bit grumpy to me. I’d like to think its mostly happy…25 days a month.
Well, that’s probably the leftover curmudgeon seeping into the new meaning;)
Dani – Wait. You have a recipe for Vagina soup? And you’ve been eating it for years? I never knew of these lesbian tendencies of yours. Either that or you are drunker than I think!
I think mudge would gain acceptance more readily.
I can tell you that from a guy’s point of view, we really don’t care much about what’s going on down there. I mean, it’s not a multi-purpose tool for us. It’s not like we’re using it to lick stamps or anything. Rainbow muff? Pink? Pinker? Bare? Ok, whatever. Which is why I hate it when I read some article about men forcing this sort of thinking on women. It’s not men pushing some agenda, it’s people wanting to make a buck, taking advantage of the insecurities of others.
Oh totally. The Brazilian and vajazzling and whatever wasn’t invented by men. Nope, it was women. I think of it like shoes. Men don’t give a hoot about the shoes a woman is wearing, but that doesn’t stop (some) ladies from forking over a month’s rent for a pair of stilettos that will cripple your feet.
“It’s not like we’re using it to lick stamps or anything.”
Waaa?
Oh, I almost forgot. Mudge!
“lick stamps”. BWAHahahaha!
…stamps don’t require licking anymore. LOL. Still laughing.
Hee, I didn’t even think of that. Maybe it sounded better then licking envelopes?
I think I’ll go with chalice as my term, very Dan Brown and yet very classy.
But yeah, aside from douches, I’m not sure guys care what it looks like so long as they get to see it. A reasonable level of trimming is probably good (for both genders) to facilitate access and all but otherwise, whatevs, diversity is the spice of life. Though I do think a bejeweled chalice is a good indication the person is going to be a bit too high-maintanence and obsessed with the latest trends.
Oh, and I’ve been using kale for stir-frys for a few years now.
Very Dan Brown, ha! Chalice does sound classy.
And while grooming of males wasn’t addressed in the post, I wholeheartedly agree. Trim the biz so we can see what we’re working with.
Dick-dazzling might be my new favorite phrase. Either that, or some new term used in Magic Mike.
I’m partial to the old faithful . . . Muffin, or muff for short. Not trendy, but a little sexier than mudgeon. I agree that it makes your muff sound very grumpy.
And I don’t really get all that crazy stuff people do to it. It’s not a display piece, people. And if it is? Yeah, you have bigger problems than what shape/width/puffiness it is. You might wanna curtail your whoreish ways, lady.
I had to look up Magic Mike because I didn’t know what you were talking about. Wow.
Conversations that will never happen in my lifetime: Hello, I would like to bedazzle my lady chalice.
I think the reason one might seek out a “filler” is if one’s lady chalice was perhaps out of shape from birthing babies. It is never quite the same as BEFORE you pushed a canteloup out of your chalice.
But as Dogs said, most men do not care at all about these things. Stop the madness.
OK, can I just say I’m very happy this comment came after last week’s cantaloupe cocktail?
I think most “normal” men don’t really care about these things. MY ex-husband, however, cared a great deal how I was groomed “down there.” After ten years being together and seven years of marriage, I finally figured out that this was just another control issue and dumped his ass. Unfortunately, by that time I had already developed severe self-esteem issues that I am still currently working through (but getting better every day! Yay me! LOL!).
Also, did anyone catch Russell Brand on Ellen last week? They were talking about the baboon Tom Cruise had on set as a pet for his character in the new movie “Rock of Ages,” and Ellen asked him why Tom didn’t just get a capuchin. Russell deliberately misinterpreted what she meant by capuchin, at one point inferring that it was a Russian vagina. SO FREAKING FUNNY! So now “capuchin” is my new word for vagina.
Capuchin!! Keri that wins hands down.
Glad to hear you dumped his ass.
Wonder who pioneered the whole vagina rejuvenation thing. Probably a dick!
Ha! Well, the person that wrote the article I read did say the medical conference she attended was filled with mostly male surgeons.
In my professional piercing days, I had to be well versed in the 30+ types of piercings that a woman may want down there. I only ever did three different types and those were not for aesthetics, they were sexual aids. Despite doing that for a living, I was always shocked at what people were willing to do to their bodies.
“Preach”?? o_0
30+??? Holy hell, that seems like an awfully large number for a relatively small space.
I pierced my tongue on a whim at the age of 16. My friend was getting his done, and so I said what the hell. Had I put any thought into it, I never would have gone through with the piercing. I can’t imagine deciding to intentionally pierce any part of my bits.
I agree. I have never known of a man who really cares…general hygiene aside. I also agree that vajazzling…or glitter or anything…would be a horrible nightmare to track. Yoiks!
Also? Funniest thing I’ve read since I moved.
Thank you, and I’m glad to hear your getting settled!
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I’m gonna go ahead and say, I’d love the lip nip. I am all for not doing plastic surgery if you have self esteem issues, but for me? That shit gets in the way. Way too TMI probably but since it WAS a post about vaginas…I am “blessed” to have a bit too much going on down there. I have to move stuff around for sex, I’ve even had it get pinched in jeans when I’ve gotten out of the car. I want it nipped but it’s a bit pricey. Also, while I’m sure a plastic surgeon has seen way worse, you’re always afraid that your stuff really WILL be the worst they’ve seen.
As a side note, I like mudgeon. Yes it makes your vagina sound grumpy but that kind of fits for me anyway.
Hell yeah, one more vote for the mudgeon!
As for the lip nip, if you want it done then go for it, especially if it’s for a physical reason. I’ve gotta say, the pinched lip thing made my legs cross!