Happy Monday folks, I’m starting today off with a mini-rant.
A couple weeks ago a TJ Maxx opened near us. I’ve never been to one. My husband suggested we check it out, because we were right there, and he knows I like a good deal. All I can say is…never again. I haven’t witnessed this level of grabbiness since the one and only time I went to a Victoria’s Secret annual sale. Women were literally fighting with each other over the bins of panties. My feeling was, if you want this thong so badly that you’re willing to cut a bitch for it, then it’s all yours.
Anyway, I wandered over to a rack of summer dresses, and as I reached for one, a woman came out of nowhere and snatched it. Seriously. She wasn’t anywhere near me, but as soon as she saw my hand moving, she zoomed in ninja-style. We weren’t even the same size, so Lord only knows what she planned to do with it. I was a little dumbfounded, but more than anything else amused, so I laughed. She gave me the stank eye and a tongue click of bitchiness before sauntering off. Wellllll, okay. A few minutes later it happened again, over a pair of jeans. With a different woman. This time I didn’t laugh, but I was growing frustrated with the dog eat dog mentality of my fellow shoppers.
I finally ended up in the shoe section, where I saw a pair of sandals I had been eying at DSW, but weren’t available in my size. And there they were, the only pair, so I reached out to snag them. Some bitch with a baby stroller and an arm full of clothing tried to take them from me. Well guess what? You cannot cross Vesta three times, so you best believe I won that round.
I would like to point out that none of the men in the store behaved in this manner. Of course, most of them seemed to be tasked with watching children, or holding onto whatever items their wives/girlfriends had triumphantly scavenged. I’m sure there is some male equivalent to the TJ Maxx/Victoria’s Secret Sale Syndrome, but what it might be, I haven’t a clue.
Okay, end Monday Rant. Now onto Ask Vesta. I chose to answer only one question this week because it was a doozy, and I have a feeling many of you will have advice to give this person as well.
Dear Vesta,
I’ve been married four times. The first marriage was a mistake of youth. The second marriage (to the father of my son) didn’t work out but I don’t regret it. After that, however, I married the wrong man and quickly divorced. I then married another wrong man and am now in a miserable marriage. I feel like a failure. I am humiliated. I knew this guy was going to turn out to be a jerk, somewhere inside me I knew it. However, I am terrified of being alone and I cannot be on my own – I can’t afford it financially, practically, etc. I just can’t do it. But my current husband is a total jerk. A fourth divorce – I would be so humiliated. And I can’t be on my own. And yet I am miserable all the time to the point where I can’t even really go to the bathroom or eat food.. I can’t divorce because I would feel shame and I live in a small town. I can’t move away because I share custody of my son. I can’t bear this situation and I don’t know what to do. What should I do?
Thanks,
In Trouble
Dear In Trouble,
Did you know the word ‘can’t’ appears in your letter eight times, and the sentence, “I can’t be on my own” twice?
Yes, you can.
There are so many things to address here, but let’s start with this feeling you have that you cannot be on your own. I hate to break this to you, but that is a crutch. You certainly can not only be on your own, but thrive. It won’t be easy, but it can be done. Life as a single mother is hard, as many readers of this blog can attest. I understand the financial burden will be heavy, but you can make it work. What prevents you from doing so, is you. You have created a mindset that you are unable to survive without the help of someone else. Have you considered that the damage you are doing to yourself and children by staying in a miserable marriage is worse than the struggle of going it alone? You said your current husband is a ‘total jerk’. That is vague, so I’m not certain what exactly is happening, but if he is being abusive, physically or mentally, then you need to get out. And if you aren’t willing to do it for yourself, then please do it for the sake of your child.
As for your feeling that divorce will cause humiliation…I think many people feel embarrassment over divorce, whether it’s the first or the fifth time. While I fully acknowledge shame to be an overwhelmingly powerful emotion, it shouldn’t factor into your decision to dissolve your marriage. The feeling will pass. You said you live in a small town, so I assume you are worried about gossip. Perhaps for a time you might be the center of attention, but eventually someone else will do something to take the spotlight.
You mentioned you can’t afford to be on your own, either practically or financially. I think you can, but with so many things to take into consideration, it is likely difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Let’s break it down into pieces. You said you don’t regret your second marriage, so I assume the two of you have a somewhat civil relationship. Does he pay child support? Consistently? Can you count on him to share the financial burden of raising your son? Do you yourself have an income, and if not, are you job hunting? As for childcare, since you live in the same town, perhaps you should sit down with your ex and try to work out a system to accommodate your work schedules. Do either of you have family nearby that could assist in after school care-taking?
You are battling a tough decision, and only you can decide what is best. If you are deeply unhappy, you need to find the courage to leave your current situation. However, you did not specify what is amiss in your marriage, other than to say your husband is a total jerk. Is this jerkiness irresolvable? I ask because, let’s face it, long term relationships are not easy. My husband probably thinks I am a total jerk at least once a week, and I him. It happens in the best of relationships. If you do decide to divorce, I highly recommend staying single for a while. A long while. This feeling of not being able to survive without someone in your life comes from insecurity. Learn to be comfortable with yourself before you embark on a relationship with anyone else.
*****
Happy Monday y’all!
@In Trouble:
Having already been divorced thrice, consider it a blessing that whatever shaming this is meant to attract from others has already been visited upon you. The fourth surely can’t add much to that. Thus you’ve got yourself a freebie.
People tried to snatch things out of your hands THREE separate times? Wow. Za.
In Trouble just needs to walk away. She CAN do it on her own. People live on their own if they work at McDonalds. Just because you might have to give up some things, doesn’t mean you can’t live ‘alone’. Get out. Immediately.
Also, Marshall’s is awful. I don’t go there, ever.
It’s so depressing to watch people shop, especially when they go berserk over something that will be meaningless to them the minute they walk out of the store. I can’t even stand to go into a store anymore. Shopping online is the way of the misanthrope.
I too am mainly an online shopper because of the shenanigans described by Vesta. Actually, no, I’m an online shopper because I don’t even like being around well behaved people.
Yeah, maybe if it were end times and I grabbed the last loaf of bread, then I could understand the reaction. But for a dress? Really??
Holy shit, a serious question? And here I was, about to ask you if it’s ok to ask your date to go dutch on lube. (Excellent answer, by the way.)
As for TJ Maxx, not only do you get to deal with grabby riots and whatnot, you get to deal with identity theft: TJ Maxx was the source of a data breach that exposed 94 million credit cards to hackers. Nice.
Oh wow, I totally forgot about that. Boo to TJ Maxx.
Well done, Vesta. That was a fantastic answer. You are quite good at this advice thing. Keep it up!
And you don’t need to forego the TJ Maxx experience. We just need to get you a shiv is all! Take no prisoners, girl. And those shoes probably look stunning on you!!
I do need a shiv. A retractable one, with a poison tip…not that I’ve thought about it or anything. Ahem.
@In Trouble: I’ve never been married, and I hate dating. I would rather be alone than be with a dumbass. That has actually offended guys in the past. Sucks to be them. …anyway, I can’t address the problem from my experience.
However, I recently worked with a woman – hired her, actually – who had just left a bad relationship. She actually lost custody of her two youngest children for a period of time, because she left the state to take the two oldest to be with her mother. She had to stay in women’s shelters for a while until she started working with us and could save money to get a car and apartment. This was all a very slow process, but when she was able to show she was in a stable position, she began working for shared custody of the young children.
I don’t know if you have any faith, but I know that her faith kept her focused on the resolution and she was ultimately able to work it out. I KNOW you can do this. There are solutions. (But like Vesta, I’d be sure the jerkiness is an irredeemable situation before heading off into what is sure to be a pain-in-the-neck situation at best.)
What a story! I hope she got her shared custody privileges!
She did…but it sure seemed like there was no end in sight, for a while. Her ex is a real piece of work.
Oh, my dear In Trouble,
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds heartbreaking and frightening.
Have you seen a therapist about this?
I know there is some hesitation (indeed, even fear – of judgement, of what they’ll say, even of the depths of our own psyche) around therapy, but let me just take a moment to recommend it highly. Working with a great therapist can be so soul-healing, so mentally clarifying, especially in times like these–when you’re feeling busted up and like a failure and like there are no good options.
I’ve been in therapy for several years myself, and some of the things that have come out of it include:
1) Less fear of movement/decision making (it sounds like this is something you’re experiencing too. For me, the idea of making a decision, moving in one direction or another, became completely impossible, as I was so broken and scared and unclear with my own thoughts and needs and desires. In therapy, I was able to bring each excuse and fear to the table, address him directly, and move past him to a point of clarity)
2) A deeper understanding of myself–of where all the things I do and feel came from, and how to handle them as such.
3) A very new ability to love myself, to provide comfort to myself, to forgive myself and extend myself grace. (It sounds like this may also be soul-healing for you).
Perhaps, before you make a decision and before you go on feeling trapped and afraid and broken, having someone to talk to would help. And don’t forget, therapy takes time. Give yourself the grace to take the things you need–the time, the mental space, the little things that help you see clearly or breathe freely, the impartial, compassionate person to talk to–the one you can spill your secrets to with the full confidence that they’ll never leave the room and that that person’s only impulse is to help you.
It has helped me immeasurably to have that person. (And, if you don’t know where to start, I found my therapist in the listings on Psychology Today’s website. I got lucky and connected well with the first person I tried, but from what I hear, sometimes you try a couple and see who connects to you.)
Best of luck, friend.
All great and heartfelt advice. Thanks for chiming in, Gigi!
OMG, I’m never going to TJ Maxx. I don’t have that kind of fight in me. Actually, I probably would after multiple snatches.
Oh, I bet Thoughtsy has some fight. Watch yourself, she’ll knock your ass out with a pop tart!
I went to Ross once. ONCE. And ONLY once. I don’t love a bargain that badly. Also? I’m wayyyy too frickin’ lazy to spend an entire day weeding through a mish-mash of clothes. I want the shit in front of me, in order, conveniently hanging with all the other clothes that look just like it. And so help me God if someone snatched something out of my hand, they would have drawn back a nub.
As for your advice… it was excellent. The letter, on the other hand, hit way too close to home for me to offer any advice of my own.
Saying “walk away” is so much easier than actually doing it. Knowing what you need to do, telling others what they need to do, and then following through with what you need to do and three entirely different things. And some people are destined to learn the hard way. (Hello, Pot? This is Kettle…)
All I can say (which is what I’m busy telling myself) is that the most difficult things we do are usually the most rewarding, in the long run. Imagine how strong and peaceful you will feel, Trouble, even if you are living on Ramen. Imagine the respect you will have from your child, when one day he realizes the sacrifices you made to give him the gift of a happy home and a happy mom. Imagine the example you will be setting for other women in your situation, who are terrified of leaving their abuser, their tormentor, the person who is making their lives hell. Someone has to be first.
Be your own personal Rosa Parks.
Her feet hurt so she sat down.
Your life hurts… so get those shoes on and start walking.
xoxo
“Be your own personal Rosa Parks.
Her feet hurt so she sat down.
Your life hurts… so get those shoes on and start walking.”
Well said, Dani.