Happy Monday folks, I’m starting today off with a mini-rant.
A couple weeks ago a TJ Maxx opened near us. I’ve never been to one. My husband suggested we check it out, because we were right there, and he knows I like a good deal. All I can say is…never again. I haven’t witnessed this level of grabbiness since the one and only time I went to a Victoria’s Secret annual sale. Women were literally fighting with each other over the bins of panties. My feeling was, if you want this thong so badly that you’re willing to cut a bitch for it, then it’s all yours.
Anyway, I wandered over to a rack of summer dresses, and as I reached for one, a woman came out of nowhere and snatched it. Seriously. She wasn’t anywhere near me, but as soon as she saw my hand moving, she zoomed in ninja-style. We weren’t even the same size, so Lord only knows what she planned to do with it. I was a little dumbfounded, but more than anything else amused, so I laughed. She gave me the stank eye and a tongue click of bitchiness before sauntering off. Wellllll, okay. A few minutes later it happened again, over a pair of jeans. With a different woman. This time I didn’t laugh, but I was growing frustrated with the dog eat dog mentality of my fellow shoppers.
I finally ended up in the shoe section, where I saw a pair of sandals I had been eying at DSW, but weren’t available in my size. And there they were, the only pair, so I reached out to snag them. Some bitch with a baby stroller and an arm full of clothing tried to take them from me. Well guess what? You cannot cross Vesta three times, so you best believe I won that round.
I would like to point out that none of the men in the store behaved in this manner. Of course, most of them seemed to be tasked with watching children, or holding onto whatever items their wives/girlfriends had triumphantly scavenged. I’m sure there is some male equivalent to the TJ Maxx/Victoria’s Secret Sale Syndrome, but what it might be, I haven’t a clue.
Okay, end Monday Rant. Now onto Ask Vesta. I chose to answer only one question this week because it was a doozy, and I have a feeling many of you will have advice to give this person as well.
I’ve been married four times. The first marriage was a mistake of youth. The second marriage (to the father of my son) didn’t work out but I don’t regret it. After that, however, I married the wrong man and quickly divorced. I then married another wrong man and am now in a miserable marriage. I feel like a failure. I am humiliated. I knew this guy was going to turn out to be a jerk, somewhere inside me I knew it. However, I am terrified of being alone and I cannot be on my own – I can’t afford it financially, practically, etc. I just can’t do it. But my current husband is a total jerk. A fourth divorce – I would be so humiliated. And I can’t be on my own. And yet I am miserable all the time to the point where I can’t even really go to the bathroom or eat food.. I can’t divorce because I would feel shame and I live in a small town. I can’t move away because I share custody of my son. I can’t bear this situation and I don’t know what to do. What should I do?
Dear In Trouble,
Did you know the word ‘can’t’ appears in your letter eight times, and the sentence, “I can’t be on my own” twice?
Yes, you can.
There are so many things to address here, but let’s start with this feeling you have that you cannot be on your own. I hate to break this to you, but that is a crutch. You certainly can not only be on your own, but thrive. It won’t be easy, but it can be done. Life as a single mother is hard, as many readers of this blog can attest. I understand the financial burden will be heavy, but you can make it work. What prevents you from doing so, is you. You have created a mindset that you are unable to survive without the help of someone else. Have you considered that the damage you are doing to yourself and children by staying in a miserable marriage is worse than the struggle of going it alone? You said your current husband is a ‘total jerk’. That is vague, so I’m not certain what exactly is happening, but if he is being abusive, physically or mentally, then you need to get out. And if you aren’t willing to do it for yourself, then please do it for the sake of your child.
As for your feeling that divorce will cause humiliation…I think many people feel embarrassment over divorce, whether it’s the first or the fifth time. While I fully acknowledge shame to be an overwhelmingly powerful emotion, it shouldn’t factor into your decision to dissolve your marriage. The feeling will pass. You said you live in a small town, so I assume you are worried about gossip. Perhaps for a time you might be the center of attention, but eventually someone else will do something to take the spotlight.
You mentioned you can’t afford to be on your own, either practically or financially. I think you can, but with so many things to take into consideration, it is likely difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Let’s break it down into pieces. You said you don’t regret your second marriage, so I assume the two of you have a somewhat civil relationship. Does he pay child support? Consistently? Can you count on him to share the financial burden of raising your son? Do you yourself have an income, and if not, are you job hunting? As for childcare, since you live in the same town, perhaps you should sit down with your ex and try to work out a system to accommodate your work schedules. Do either of you have family nearby that could assist in after school care-taking?
You are battling a tough decision, and only you can decide what is best. If you are deeply unhappy, you need to find the courage to leave your current situation. However, you did not specify what is amiss in your marriage, other than to say your husband is a total jerk. Is this jerkiness irresolvable? I ask because, let’s face it, long term relationships are not easy. My husband probably thinks I am a total jerk at least once a week, and I him. It happens in the best of relationships. If you do decide to divorce, I highly recommend staying single for a while. A long while. This feeling of not being able to survive without someone in your life comes from insecurity. Learn to be comfortable with yourself before you embark on a relationship with anyone else.
Happy Monday y’all!