First, here’s the link to download Drink Well through Amazon, for free, from today through Saturday. If you don’t have a Kindle then you can download it to your PC, tablet, or smartphone with this free app.
The Cocktail Photo Contest ends July 8th.
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I don’t believe I’ve ever mentioned this before, but at one point in my young life, I wanted to go into politics. Yes, I truly did, silly youth that I was. Now I laugh at the idea, but when I was a kid it seemed interesting and exciting. My own stupidity ruined any chance of that dream by the age of 16. Or not, considering some of the chumps we’ve elected into office over the years. Anyway, this is going to sound incredibly pompous, but it is also true, not just for me, but probably for some of you too. I frequently have the thought that if I were in charge of things, the world would be a better place. Or at the very least, it would be a world with less assholes and hipsters. You want to double park your Audi in a handicapped spot while you run into the market, thereby screwing not one but two people in need of a short walk to the entrance their proper space? You’re condemned to pick rocks for the next ten years, buddy, I’ll work out what to do with said rocks later.
-There would be no leggings as pants worn with a belly shirt.
-There would be no making a mess in the communal laundry room of the apartment building. No more spilling powdered detergent all over the floor and then leaving it there to get stuck in the soles of other people’s shoes.
-There would be no sampling of foods, with fingers, at the food bar at Whole Foods.
-There might not even be a Whole Foods, because even though I go there about once a week, that place annoys the fuck out of me.
-No longer would people do that weird thing where they water the sidewalk and driveway because they’re too lazy to pick up a damn broom and sweep. Driveway watering would lead to automatic tazing.
And then, I am brought back down to reality, and reminded that if I ruled the world it would quickly descend into an even more hellish and chaotic place than it is already. Aside from the fact that my political priorities, as it turns out, don’t have anything to do with politics, I would muck it all up in a very short period of time. In fact, it wouldn’t be surprising if the entire planet were to blow up within the first year of my rule. And do you know why? Because I regularly get my ass kicked by a six pound dog. So who am I kidding? I wouldn’t be able to control jack shit. Rude people would run around the planet, watering concrete for no particular reason, all while wearing bedazzled belly shirts with shiny leggings. And then they’d all go to Whole Foods.
Stinky, festering in the sun
I’ve posted about Stinky numerous times, so you are all aware she becomes more wizened by the day, bless her smelly heart. Because of this, it’s difficult to get angry with her over anything. And boy does she know it. I chalk up her disobedience to the fact that she is ancient, and therefore doesn’t hear or see very well (her nose is just fine, and the smell of food causes her to prance and spin in circles, which makes me wonder if the old lady bit is just an act). Anyway, this morning, for the second time this week, Stinko peed in the house, right after I put her leash on, dammit. I already have to pick her up the moment the door opens, because she will casually pee on the doormat, because, you know, we are outside after all. Now I guess I need to pick her up before leashing her.
That was this morning, at six o’clock. I took her out a bit ago, and she refused to do her business. Nothing. She just wants to bask in the sun. Fifteen minutes of trying everything short of wringing the pee out of her, I gave up and took her back in, knowing full well I’d have to take her back out again ten minutes later, because it has to be on her terms.
Fine. Whatever. You win Stinky. I would have made a terrible world leader anyway.
Agree with all your rules and love sweet Stinky!
Awww, I love her too. Stinky little brat that she is!
I like to think of my youthful partying ways as having saved me from a life in politics, not having prevented it.
(puts on rose-colored glasses, finishes glass half-full of beer)
I look at it that way too.
Wait, weren’t you running for Dictator of the United States?
Yep. Oh, and I’m also the King of Luxembourg (in Exile).
So in other words, never listen to me. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
What a cute stinky! And people DO that at WF? I thought it was for classy people! Ick!
I would totally vote for you. But I would want an addendum to the Laws of Vesta that include capital punishment for people who mow their eensy teensy lawns on a riding mower, over and over and over again. For four hours.
Riding mowers should be reserved for owners of golf courses and people who own acreage. NOT for homeowners who are too fucking lazy to push a mower across their itty bitty patch of grass for thirty minutes, tops.
Grumble, grumble.
You have my sympathies about the antics of El Stinko. My pomeranian, Javi, is 10 and suddenly decided a month or so ago that the bedroom is his toilet and he can hike his leg and pee, willy-nilly, whenever the mood strikes.
So I keep the bedroom door closed all day, right? Because I’m smarter than my dog, right?
Wrong.
I won’t go into details, because it’s embarrassing that I’m becoming one of those people who spends their days blotting up dog pee, but suffice it to say, he wins.
You know, I read the post in which you discussed this crazed riding lawn mower neighbor. I just don’t get it. Is it an OCD thing? Because it’s either that, or he’s purposefully trying to piss everyone off.
My dog: won’t go inside the yard, will go on the patio. What is up with dogs making their own bathroom rules arbitrarily? Also, this may or may not have led to me almost getting mugged, raped, or abducted the other night, since he demanded to go around Midnight, and while out walking him so that he’d actually go, some creepy folks began to casually follow me. And not like hey we’re just walking behind you only a paranoid freak would think we’re following you, straight up walking away from me then stop and watch and then head my direction and then take off when I pull out the phone but only far enough away to see if I’m calling the police or just trying to psych you out following you. I did call the police, they did stand in my alley watching my house until I got inside and flipped on the back light and stared at them through the window of the locked door, and the police did catch up with them a block away. The weekend arrest report has not yet been published, so I don’t know if anything came of that, but thanks for almost getting me killed, Doggy D.
I’d be the world’s best dictator. I hope you like baseball (and no other sports), chocolate Klondikes, and rock music.
I love your modesty, Dictator D!
Modesty is not one of my best qualities when it comes to this particular topic. :Nerd alert: I used to play a lot of Risk, and whenever I was winning I made the other players live by my rules. We also discussed what we would do as a real world dictator. But I’m a Kantian idealist, so it’d be mostly cool, except for the lack of sports besides baseball (for most people besides me…that’d be FANTASTIC for me
).
I really think you could take her in a fight, though. I mean she’s itty bitty. You probably outweigh her by like 800 percent (I was never good with math. I am NOT calling you fat in case I’m off by approximately a billion pounds or something).
Downloaded the book and read it all! I will get to making and picture taking. Oh, but one question . . . are we allowed to alter the recipes at all or are we disqualified if we do that? I’m merely thinking of switching out strawberries for raspberries in the sangria. Allowed?
Allowed. Tweak that shiz.
I think I’ve pushed past the idea of being a politician. I think I could really love it based on my existing experience as an elected official but at a more serious level I’d never manage the campaign process.
I briefly considered a career in hermit…ude. Hermitage? But I gave that up because I couldn’t even spell it on my goodbye letters. I don’t want to rule the world, I want my own.
A world with pretty chairs, of course!
Hey,
Just wanted to drop you a note and let you know I love reading your blog. I left you an award on mine at: http://beckyispassingthrough.blogspot.in/ if you fee like swinging by some time and picking it up.
Keep up the great writing!
Thanks!
I agree with almost every bullet point you make. I’ve always thought that people should be stripped of all decision making privileges until they prove they can handle it! I’ve also thought that the world would be a much better place if everyone thought like I did. It would totally save a lot of hassle!
Oh definitely. There should be a test or something:)
I keep telling the BF that I won’t make a good politician’s wife…but he has the same mindset as you about wanting to make everything better. I’m not sure about all of his ideas but yours sound good.
My roommate’s dog is normally great, but what drives me nuts is that if he has to go inside, he’ll go upstairs to the hall outside my room and do it there…a place he never goes as roomie’s bedroom is downstairs. He don’t shit where he eats…or sleeps. Smart, but so not cool.
Aw, smart pup, but bad for you!