Well Hello and Happy Monday, or what’s left of it, I should say. Before we get into this week’s Ask Vesta question, don’t forget to submit your cocktail photos for the contest, first place winner gets a $25 Amazon gift card. A couple of you sent emails about an extension, so let’s move the deadline to this Wednesday, July 11th. And for those of you that have submitted – thanks and awesome pics!
Also, you know how smart people give their email addresses long form, to keep spammers from spamming the ever-loving hell out of their inbox? Yeah, I didn’t do that in last week’s post. I opened my blog today to find a bajillion spam comments (go WordPress for filtering those punk-asses). Oddly enough, though they were from different locations, about half of them were more or less the exact same comment, and they all asked if the other commentors (yes, I know it isn’t a real word, but you know what I mean) are brain dead. Did y’all here that? Spammers are dissing you.
Anyhoo…
Dear Vesta,
K. and I were best friends all during college. Accidental roommates freshman year that actually worked out. After we moved away we still kept in touch via phone and email. And we tried to see each other once a year. We both understood the other’s quirks – especially when it came to relationships. Then, she moved to another country and we lost touch. I was going through some things and at first she would respond to my emails, supportive as always. After a few months, however, she stopped responding. Eventually I got tired of getting no response, so I stopped sending the emails. Now we’ve gone about a year and a half without talking – other than a few comments on photos via facebook. Obviously her being in another country makes phone calls hard, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for the occasional email.
Well, we did just reconnect via an email and subsequent google chat. I’m hopeful the communication continues, but not confident. The reason she got in touch was to ask for me address so she could invite me to her wedding. I knew she was engaged thanks to facebook, and I actually did meet this guy once, but I know very little about their relationship. But of course I am happy for her. The problem is I don’t feel like going. She was my best friend and there was never any question that I’d be at her wedding but with so little contact I’ve grown distant and am not at all excited – though I desperately want to be. The fact that it’s out of state for me and will involve expensive flights and travel just for a weekend trip should not matter for my bestie, but right now it feels like a burden. Also, she’s getting married on my anniversary! I am not too upset over this, since I don’t think she realized/did it on purpose. It’s more a matter of annoyance that the boyfriend and I have to celebrate another weekend. I know, it makes me sound childish! So how do I stop feeling resentful and just be happy for my friend?
Sincerely,
Should I stay or should I go?
***
Dear Should or Shouldn’t,
Okay, so let’s review – your friend lives out of the country, and for whatever reason the two of you haven’t had any communication other than the trivial facebook sort for over a year and a half. The reason she contacted you was to invite you to the wedding, not to be in the wedding, is that correct?
First, I wonder why exactly you feel resentful rather than pleased. Is it the inconvenience of having to spend time and money to attend a wedding on your anniversary? Or is it that she didn’t contact you personally to share the news of her engagement?
I would ignore the fact that she is getting married on your anniversary. Any number of reasons could account for that, from she simply didn’t think about it, to that particular date was the only one available for the wedding venue.
As for whether or not you should attend, I would say that is entirely up to you. In my opinion, out of the country weddings (or out of the country guests, in your case, since I assume she’s marrying somewhere in the vicinity of where she currently lives) aren’t mandatory to attend. Travel and lodging are pricey, and I think most people, while they would surely love to have you share in their special day, also understand it is asking a lot.
Having said that, if it is financially feasible for you and your guy to attend, then why not go? Book a nice hotel and look at it as a romantic weekend getaway, as well as an opportunity to see your old bestie get married.
If you choose not to go – send a gift, and a handwritten, heartfelt letter to your friend explaining how happy you are for her. It sounds as though both of you lament the fact that you have grown apart, otherwise why else would she have invited you to the wedding? Whatever happens, I hope the two of you are able to resume communication.
Good luck!
VV
BOOOO spammers. BOOOOOOOO. And good advice, as usual. I think she should go and make a weekend of it.
Che@p VIAGRA! Increase your stamina, and make the honeys HOWL!
Canadian PHARM-ONLINE! VALIUM! PERCOCET! VICODIN!!!
(See, your spam filter isn’t so great.)
Yes, I particularly love the spam directed at my stamina.
I created a special e-mail for my blog and didn’t do any coy stuff to prevent spam and haven’t been getting any. It’s kind of disappointing actually.
Anyway, sorry I’m not gonna be able to participate in the contest.
You can have my spam I you’d like.
I have been completely incapable of engaging my brain for the right length of time in order to procure all necessary ingredients for any of the cocktails. Thus I have failed miserably at participating in this contest.
As for the question of going or not going to the wedding, if it fits into the schedule and budget, I would go. Both for the trip and to be the friend I would want to be. That being said, I have had my share of experiences with people who don’t hold up their end of the friendship bargain, and it eventually makes me tired and cranky and I need to just let it, the friendship, float away. At some point you have to decide where it is best to invest your energy. But a vacation in a foreign land, with a wedding thrown in, why not.
That’s okay. I enjoyed your Bully Brew (that’s not quite right, but close? Maybe?) tweets. Looked like a fun day!
My favorite spammers are the ones who tell me surely I can do better than this post. Seriously?
Ooooh yes, I love those too. Because nothing says click my link like an insult.
I totally agree. If you can afford it, make a long, romantic weekend. Or, if it’s really far, maybe take some more vacation and have a whole week of exploring with your honey!
Gigi!!
If anyone was going to be on board with taking the trip, I knew it would be you!
I’m so bummed to have missed the photo deadline! I know, I have today, but my book went home Monday.
I think I may be in the minority here. If the two friends are 100% out of touch with each other, the invite sounds like trolling for extra gifts. But when I think of old friends I’ve lost touch with, there are some that I would go just to see them and the look on their faces.
I did that for one friend I’d lost touch with, because it was feasible at the time. She cried when she saw me because it had been so long.
So, I guess I’d say, if you feel resentful about it – and I can think of another friend I feel that way about – then I wouldn’t go. If you genuinely would like to see her again, and miss the friendship, then I’d go. But that’s just me.
Aw, I hope you see your ‘book’ this weekend!
I don’t really have anything to say about whether she should attend the wedding or not (I live paycheck to paycheck so taking a trip out of state, no matter how close I am to my friend, is simply not feasible!), but I keep getting caught up on this part of the question: “I was going through some things and at first she would respond to my emails, supportive as always. After a few months, however, she stopped responding. Eventually I got tired of getting no response, so I stopped sending the emails.” I guess it doesn’t really have anything to do with whether she should go to the wedding or not, but it sounds as if there is some unfinished business. This prompted questions for me, such as: “Was the original email friendship too one-sided?” “Did the (now) fiance get tired of having to answer emails that were all about the OP (my inference, may not have actually happened that way)?” and is the resentment because the OP feels that even though she was “going through some things,” her friend quit emailing her? I guess the tone of the email came across as kind of “me me me,” (as she spoke of having personal issues while emailing her friend in the beginning, and the fact that the wedding falls on her and her boyfriend’s anniversary. I know she said that wasn’t a big deal, but why even mention it in the question if it wasn’t an issue with her?) (I really hope that I’m not offending the OP) and I guess my advice (not that it’s worth anything!) would be to not go if she is just going to get resentful that attention is being paid to the bride and groom. That’s a lot of money to spend (and would most likely incur even more resentment) if she is going to the wedding expecting a big reconciliation, etc. My experience with weddings is that the bride is so busy with everything else, unless you’re in the wedding party, you’re basically there to share in the joy, not to have a lot of 1:1 time with either the bride or groom.
Wow – that was a really long answer (and filled with parentheses!) to a question that I first stated I really had no opinion about! LOL! I’m sure I’m probably reading too much into those few sentences!
Yeah, weddings do seem to be a blur for the bride and groom, between the photos and having to say hello and thank you to all the guests. I would imagine most people collapse afterwards!
I just made a trip across the country to attend the wedding of someone I hadn’t seen in over 20 years. Had a blast on the trip. The wedding was…a wedding.
People grow apart over time. It happens and is nothing to take personal. Go or don’t go, but don’t lose sleep over it.
20 years! Wow, that must have been fun!