I was halfway through a post about my dislike for rabbits when I decided to make some lunch. While eating I flipped through the December issue of Harper’s Bazaar, and read an excerpt from Alain de Botton’s new book, How to Talk More About Sex.
Clearly this is a much more interesting topic than rabbits.
The excerpt centers around adultery. Botton makes some valid points about marriage (and presumably long-term cohabiting couples as well) and sex. Basically he believes that to not view sex as a complicated act, that often muddles our minds and is the source for poor decisions, particularly in marriage, is strange. We are sexual beings, and the thought of straying will occur to anyone in a committed relationship, however briefly, at some point. He goes on to write that fidelity should be viewed as a true achievement, and not something to blow off as the norm.
I always have mixed feelings when reading about infidelity, which is probably natural for anyone in a monogamous relationship. I consider myself a logical person, and do believe there is truth to the idea we aren’t biologically set up for monogamy. Well, women are, at least from an evolutionary perspective. We are wired to find mates that are strong, so as to pass off that genetic material to offspring, and who can be good providers to said offspring. Men are biologically wired to pass on their genetic material as much as possible.
Before anyone gets their knickers in a knot, I have all sorts of clarifications, not the least of which is that we aren’t animals, and survival of the fittest went out the window a long time ago, and was more or less rendered obsolete with the advent of modern medicine. And I am fully aware monogamy is 1) not practiced in the majority of cultures in the world, and 2) in a number of countries, take France, for example, where people do commit to lifelong relationships to a single person, infidelity is not a deal breaker and is often accepted (that is an extreme generalization, but you get my drift). Furthermore, we are living in a society where women no longer need a provider, and have freedoms the likes of which our predecessors couldn’t have imagined. For this reason, many women don’t feel the need to tie their ship to one dock. And, for that matter, women cheat with great frequency too.
All this is part of living in ‘civilized’ society, I guess.
Logically I can accept the notion that monogamy is a societal norm and not necessarily the ideal. Emotionally, I say fuck that. I just so happen to live in a culture where monogamy is the norm. What other people do is their business and fine by me, but in my world, you don’t cheat. My husband feels the same way, it’d be a deal breaker for either one of us.
Anyway, de Botton’s excerpt made me think of a conversation I had with my husband a few days ago.
Several years back, a couple we knew divorced. The wife discovered her husband had a mistress (yes, it sounds old fashioned, but at the time he referred to the chick as ‘my mistress’. What an asshole), and that they had been carrying on for quite some time. It was not a pretty situation. At all. They split, she remarried, and so did he. He married his mistress.
I instantly dubbed him the cheater, and told my husband the guy was a complete tool. The Cheater was given permanent placement on the Do Not Associate List, not just by me, but other wives and girlfriends too. The mere mention of his name in conversation brought on the I Smell Something Disgusting face by all of us. The funny thing is, the cheated upon wasn’t a friend of mine, nor was she close to the other women. It was the idea that Cheat-y McFuckwad threw his nine year marriage down the drain, and she found out via text message.
Though I think all the guys were shocked too, they weren’t as disbelieving as the women. And after the initial details came out, eliciting a ‘what a dick’ from all the dudes, they lost interest. He was still their homie, only now they got shit for talking to him. You could see their eyes glaze over when the womenfolk dissed him.
At any rate, all this happened a few years ago, and I haven’t thought about The Cheater in forever. Until last week, when my husband worked with someone for a few days he hadn’t seen in a while. I met him years ago at a party thrown by Cheaty and his first wife (I met the mistress that night, I just didn’t know she was boinking the host. Neither did the hostess at the time). So I asked if the guy still spoke to The Cheater, to which my husband responded, “No, I think his wife put the kibosh on that.”
I had to laugh, mostly because that same, glazed over expression immediately clouded his face. I never really thought about how hard it was on the guys, who had to listen to their ladies bitch over an act that they didn’t commit.
I don’t know if The Cheater was really ousted from the group, or perhaps his mistress/wife didn’t feel comfortable getting the stink eye from a bunch of broads she didn’t know, and thus decided that they would make new friends. I also have no idea what happened in his first marriage that prompted him to cheat. Perhaps they had long-standing issues and he was simply unable to cope, and used his affair as an escape. Maybe it was nothing other than lack of impulse control. Or maybe his ‘mistress’ was his one true love.
Whatever the case, it wasn’t any of my business. I believe the reason for the negative reaction on the part of the various wives and girlfriends wasn’t because anyone was chummy with the cheated on woman so much as, “wow, I didn’t see that coming, I wonder who else cheats?” I don’t, however, think this is solely a female response. A few months back, my husband relayed a story to me about a male acquaintance in the midst of a divorce resulting from infidelity. Interestingly my husband’s response was far more incredulous over the whole thing than when his own friend cheated. I think the obvious reason is because it wasn’t the guy who was unfaithful, it was his wife.
Whew, complicated stuff.
Anyway, I like Botton’s idea that fidelity is something to be cherished as an accomplishment in a relationship rather than an expectation. It’s sort of like getting a gold star next to your name for perfect attendance. Sure, you’re supposed to go to school and all, but it’s nice to get a reward for the effort.
I lived across the street from a handful of people in their early twenties (this was about a decade ago). The one girl in the group was very standoffish, and was notorious for rudely shooting down guys who tried to pick her up. I found out that she was “dating” a married guy twice her age.
One day I saw a BMW scream up and she got out, pulling her bag out of the trunk and storming off into the house. I asked one of her roommates about it later.
Turns out the guy’s wife got suspicious about her husband’s “conference in Baltimore” and hired a PI to tail him. When the PI called to say that he was getting on a plane to Jamaica with a 20 year old, she was NOT pleased. She called the guy as he was on the jetway with his mistress and told him that if he ever wanted to see his kids again, he’d “drive that slut home” and get his cheating ass back to what was undoubtedly an epic meltdown.
Wow.
Wow indeed. I imagine that evening was very unpleasant.
Aww, I was hoping for that post on rabbits. There are a number who hop around my apartment complex grounds (apparently they can endure the extreme Fargo cold) and I start feeling like I want a pet rabbit…they are cage animals, no? Maybe wouldn’t have to pay a pet rent?
Anywho, I used to be very moralistic about adultery to the point where a film like Unfaithful got a very nasty rating in part because of my perception of the film’s flawed morality. Now I feel a bit more situational about it. Of course, it’s all theoretical to me as I eschew all relationships.
“I eschew all relationships.”
At some point someone is going to come along and make you eat those words
My ex was a cheater, I think he cheated with every woman he met, his friends wives, a secretary, his cousins friends. I became the wife that all the women looked at with pity.You know the look ” poor thing she doesnt know her husband is screwing almost every woman in town” look. When I did find out, I left him.
I also made a promise to myself that I will never intentionally date/sleep with a married man. I am happy to say, I have kept that promise.
That’s a good promise to make one’s self.
I cringe when people repeat the cliche that humans aren’t programmed for monogamy, or that it isn’t natural. What humans? Humans of today, or humans in the caveman years? Evolution.
And besides, it’s irrelevant if it’s natural for humans or not. There is such a thing as being a wise human who makes a choice to commit, and commits to that choice.
Cringe away. Of course there is such a thing as making a commitment to another person, and honoring it with love and respect. I wouldn’t be married if I didn’t wholeheartedly believe that.
Personally I don’t think ALL humans are programmed any particular way, anymore than ALL humans are programmed to be heterosexual. But a deal is a deal – whatever deal you make, you better damn well stick to it.
I have the same sort of thing happen to a coworker of mine. He was working and traveling all the time. Seriously, I have no idea when the man slept, let alone went home. When he was home he was restoring the fixer upper they had moved into. So when he was home, he was working, and when he wasn’t she was stuck alone with the kids in a house in various states of repair or disrepair.
Then he thinks she was cheating on him.
I think she probably was too, mainly because this man was- and I don’t say this lightly- addicted to work. Since he was my coworker, and yes, somewhat a friend, he seemed to take the stance that we should all side with him, but I’m still torn. Yes, cheating is wrong, but she initiated the divorce, something wasn’t working for her, and part of me thinks that maybe we shouldn’t judge her too harshly, even though to hear my male coworkers talk, it’s all her fault. After all if your married to a man that isn’t there for you, emotionally and physically, at what point dies the dam break? Sorry this was so long. Just was thinking about this again.
Cheating is a deal breaker for the hubs and I as well. He made that very clear in the beginning of our relationship. So, for us, it’s a matter of not only the commitment, but the knowledge that a transgression such as that would be the absolute end of our marital relationship. Not that I’ve ever wanted or needed to cheat, but it definitely keeps us in line.
“What other people do is their business and fine by me, but in my world, you don’t cheat.”—Me, too! I’ve been cheated on before. It sucks. I don’t want to ever feel that way again or make someone else feel that way.
I like the gold star of fidelity too, because I’m always trying to differentiate myself from “the norm.” Like, if everyone else is getting tattoos, I’ll never get one, and other such retardations. Wait…am I making sense any longer? I enjoyed your post, it was very thought-provoking. I think the greater majority of women (until maybe you reach a certain age of comfort and greater self-confidence) can not abide the idea that a man could ever be attracted to any other woman as well. I had a friend who used to forbid her hub from ever looking at porn. “I should be enough for him,” she told me emphatically.
My husband is of the opinion that if one is inclined to cheat, why are you in the relationship you are in? Just be a free agent. I appreciate that perspective. I have been cheated on, only to find out well after the relationship ended that this was going on. I guess I am glad I didn’t find out during the relationship, but it still sucked. Cheating is rarely a reflection on the person being cheated on, and more about the cheater. Sure there may be people who are bastards to live with, but then why live with them? Get out and have a good time. No reason to stick around and be deceitful?
It all takes so much energy.
I’m poly, but I’ve been cheated on. To my mind cheating is breaking whatever deal you have in place – and it’s always the wrong thing to do. I have also seen the sort of behavior you’re describing here, where the men shrug and get over it and the women hold a (justified IMO) grudge. It’s interesting how prevalent that is.
Whether one believes in monogamy or not, if they have made a commitment to someone and they commit infidelity, it is about a lot more than just the sexual act. They have committed a deep betrayal that is not easily (if ever) healed. The lying, dishonesty and disrespect for their mate makes a huge statement of what value they place on the other person.
Having come from a marriage where this happened, my feelings may be biased, but it is an instant deal breaker for me. There will be nothing to discuss regardless of the amount of time invested or emotions involved. A cheater has no idea the hurt they cause to the other person.
When a woman cheats on a man it never, ever elicits the response that was described in this post. A man who cheats is expected to be excommunicated by all those who know him, but if a woman cheats you’ll be lucky if your social circle even find out about it.