Yesterday my husband relayed a conversation that took place between several guys at work. It all started when a woman walked by and one of the men commented to the others, “Leggings are not pants.”
Even guys know it.
Anyway, the statement sparked a conversation about the trend, and the general consensus from the group was that they all felt the same way – leggings are not pants. That, however, is not what this post is about. One of the guys warned the others that, fashion aside, men had to be careful about leggings because some of them are designed to suck in, tighten, and shape the legs and ass. He followed with, “Once you get those things off, you might not be getting what you thought.”
In other words, shapewear.
I burst out laughing over the story, partly over my husband’s expression, but also because the group then had a conversation about the great success of the owner of Spanx, and how many women wear them. I think women typically believe men are oblivious to some of our stealthy feminine smoke and mirror tricks. Clearly that isn’t the case. Men have known we enhance ourselves for as long as we’ve had the tools to do so. However, the ways in which a woman can augment her appearance are certainly far greater than even a decade ago. Eyelash extensions, hair extensions, industrial strength shapewear – females have quite the arsenal. It used to be men only had to wonder if the rack they were staring at was real, or filled out with three inches of Victoria’s padding. Now it’s a whole different ballgame.
My opinion regarding any so-called trick, whether it’s something as simple as shapewear, or complicated, like plastic surgery, is that if it makes you feel better about yourself, then go for it. Personally, I am a huge fan of cosmetics. Lack of sleep? Under the weather? Too much Chinese food? No problem, I can paint on a false face of freshness and you’d never know I look like a zombie underneath. But for all my love of spackle, I have never worn any sort of Spanx or extensions. Not that I haven’t been tempted, it’s fear that keeps me from trying, because I am the person that would epically fail. I’d be the chick in the photo with her Spanx clearly visible, or the eyelashes slightly askew, or chicken cutlets on the floor. Also, somewhere along the line I read a description of a Spanx-clad ass as being one continuous, albeit smooth, butt cheek. Something about that picture struck me as strange – I feel like I need two butt cheeks.
But anyway, back to chicken.
Years ago, I was going out for the evening with a roommate. As we were getting ready, she asked me if I wanted to wear some of her chicken cutlets (for the dudes out there, cutlets are silicone inserts that go in your bra, adding volume. They also make self-adhesive ones you can wear alone, no bra necessary). I eyeballed the pair in her hand, considering. Then she told me that several weeks earlier, while dancing with a guy at a club, one of her cutlets took a flying leap and splattered onto the floor between them. They both looked down, and he pointed to it and said, “Is that yours?” She did the only thing she could do, said no, and shimmied her way off the dance floor.
Any notion I had of trying out the cutlets was squashed upon hearing that tale, which was probably a good move. I doubt fate, or karma, or whatever it is that occasionally decides to make an example out of me would have been content with a cutlet on the floor. Oh no, uh-uh. I would have sneezed, or something, sending a cutlet flying across the room, and pegged some poor unsuspecting soul in the head with my bust enhancer.
So, I’m curious to hear your thoughts – one butt cheek or two?