Yesterday my husband relayed a conversation that took place between several guys at work. It all started when a woman walked by and one of the men commented to the others, “Leggings are not pants.”
Even guys know it.
Anyway, the statement sparked a conversation about the trend, and the general consensus from the group was that they all felt the same way – leggings are not pants. That, however, is not what this post is about. One of the guys warned the others that, fashion aside, men had to be careful about leggings because some of them are designed to suck in, tighten, and shape the legs and ass. He followed with, “Once you get those things off, you might not be getting what you thought.”
In other words, shapewear.
I burst out laughing over the story, partly over my husband’s expression, but also because the group then had a conversation about the great success of the owner of Spanx, and how many women wear them. I think women typically believe men are oblivious to some of our stealthy feminine smoke and mirror tricks. Clearly that isn’t the case. Men have known we enhance ourselves for as long as we’ve had the tools to do so. However, the ways in which a woman can augment her appearance are certainly far greater than even a decade ago. Eyelash extensions, hair extensions, industrial strength shapewear – females have quite the arsenal. It used to be men only had to wonder if the rack they were staring at was real, or filled out with three inches of Victoria’s padding. Now it’s a whole different ballgame.
My opinion regarding any so-called trick, whether it’s something as simple as shapewear, or complicated, like plastic surgery, is that if it makes you feel better about yourself, then go for it. Personally, I am a huge fan of cosmetics. Lack of sleep? Under the weather? Too much Chinese food? No problem, I can paint on a false face of freshness and you’d never know I look like a zombie underneath. But for all my love of spackle, I have never worn any sort of Spanx or extensions. Not that I haven’t been tempted, it’s fear that keeps me from trying, because I am the person that would epically fail. I’d be the chick in the photo with her Spanx clearly visible, or the eyelashes slightly askew, or chicken cutlets on the floor. Also, somewhere along the line I read a description of a Spanx-clad ass as being one continuous, albeit smooth, butt cheek. Something about that picture struck me as strange – I feel like I need two butt cheeks.
But anyway, back to chicken.
Years ago, I was going out for the evening with a roommate. As we were getting ready, she asked me if I wanted to wear some of her chicken cutlets (for the dudes out there, cutlets are silicone inserts that go in your bra, adding volume. They also make self-adhesive ones you can wear alone, no bra necessary). I eyeballed the pair in her hand, considering. Then she told me that several weeks earlier, while dancing with a guy at a club, one of her cutlets took a flying leap and splattered onto the floor between them. They both looked down, and he pointed to it and said, “Is that yours?” She did the only thing she could do, said no, and shimmied her way off the dance floor.
Any notion I had of trying out the cutlets was squashed upon hearing that tale, which was probably a good move. I doubt fate, or karma, or whatever it is that occasionally decides to make an example out of me would have been content with a cutlet on the floor. Oh no, uh-uh. I would have sneezed, or something, sending a cutlet flying across the room, and pegged some poor unsuspecting soul in the head with my bust enhancer.
So, I’m curious to hear your thoughts – one butt cheek or two?
I am all for spanx. For special occasions. I like the smoothing, shaping effect under clothing. Yes, when the dress comes off, it looks weird, but I’m not trying to hook a man at the end of the night, so it’s fine. I have a pretty good rack, though, so cutlets have never been a thought for me.
Oh, and your ad at the bottom of the page is for Silicone Padded Panties. Did you do that on purpose?
BWAHAHA! No, google ads put in whatever they think fits.
I can’t speak to any of this, but given how cold it has been up here in Fargo lately, I’ve been wearing thermal underwear and I have to say I like the form fit of it underneath jeans. I doubt there’s much visual advantage from the outside given the jeans but it does make everything feel a bit tighter.
Is tighter good? It seems like things would be…squished.
It’s not notably tighter there, just on thighs and calfs and stuff. It’s like the comfort of being swaddled as an infant.
I’m glad you explained chicken cutlets. I don’t know what I was thinking they were, but I would’ve eyed any women in the poultry department much more warily had you not enlightened me.
Ha! Yes I’m sure watching some woman buy a family pack of cutlets would have been a little disconcerting.
No to spanx but have been tempted as it would help with the wobbly bits . I dont like tight or restricted clothing, I am sure I would pass out with lack of oxygen. I only wear stockings/tights to help smooth out the lines, occasionally, so its two butt cheeks for me! Have not had to think about chicken cutlets either as the girls are a nice handful.
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I can’t wear restrictive clothing either, I need room to breathe!
Hmmm..I don’t think cutlets are something I’d be comfortable sharing!
Now that you mention it, offering to lend cutlets is a little odd.
Hahaha!
I’ve never worn Spanx, but I am a Shapeez fan through and through (they’re the bras with the smooth back instead of the band with clasps…e.g. if you’re wearing a tight tank you don’t have that ugly bulge that sometimes the clasps of bras make). I love them because they evenly distribute bust weight. But it’s a nice little bonus that it smooths everything out.
Meh, I don’t have a whole lot to distribute:)
I agree on the leggings, in addition to the fact that few women can pull them off well. Spanx are awful and wonderful at the same time, but I never considered the uni-butt-cheek effect.
I’ve heard great things about spanx, but the uni-butt thing is pretty funny.
They are called…wha? That is, that is just. Weird. Freakin weird. I would not put something like that in my bra. Nope.
It is weird, you’re right. And what about in the summertime? Seems like they would make things all sweaty and gross.
As one who LOVES to dress up, and by that I mean in retro clothing or OVER THE TOP outfits, I have participated in almost all forms of “figure trickery”. Corsets, chicken cutlets, several different kinds of foundation garments. I also sew wedding dresses, bridesmaid dress and gowns and highly recommend to clients to invest in said items. My thought is that for one night’s look, it is not necessary to starve yourself into a smaller size – instead, buy the look without going under the knife! Some might think it’s silly or shallow, but it works for me and I love it.
I don’t think that’s silly at all. It’s a much better solution than starving and stressing for a day that’s supposed to be special.
See, and I use “Chicken Cutlets” to describe the fake cheekbones they keep implanting in Hollywood 30-40 somethings. Imagine if we wrote a blog post together about chicken cutlets. True no one would have any idea what we were talking about, but the hijinx might be divine.
uni-butt = bad. I agree, a butt should have two cheeks
I bought some Spanx and wore them for the first time to a wedding last October. I’ve gotten to the size that it was just necessary for the dress I was wearing. I like they way they help with the shaping and whatnot, but I already despise having to get dressed up so I can’t say that it helped in that way at all. They actually kinda hurt when you’re taking them on and off, or they did for me – that’s how you know it’s working.