Tag Archives: advice

Momma tried.

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15

Over the weekend I received this voicemail from my mother:

“Hey, it’s your mom. I was reading your blog, and…did you really dress up as a slutty skunk for Halloween?!?”

Um, no Mom, you totally misread that.

I felt the need to clarify, because a reader also left a comment on that post implying she too thought I would wear such a thing. So, for the record, I would never, ever wear a Skanky Skunk costume. If I were going to dress up in something slutty, it’d be better than that. Come on, y’all.

Anyhoo, my mom and I have been playing phone tag for days. To tide myself over until I chat with her, a couple of my favorite mom stories…

When I was five, my mom and I were heading out of the house to go somewhere, and she forgot something and went back inside. While standing on the front porch waiting, I started poking my toe at a long, dead blade of grass on the ground, which promptly moved. I leaned down, and saw it was actually a brown baby snake, which excited me (God only knows why, because I’d be terrified now, but when you’re little I guess you assume anything that’s a baby is good). When my mom returned, I pointed out my new friend. My mother totally lost her shit (sorry mom, but it is an accurate description. FYI – my mom recently told me she doesn’t like what a “potty mouth” I am on my blog. In all honesty, I feel pretty proud for limiting my profanity as much as I do, but whatever). In an instant she scooped me up and took me into the house, all the while frantically saying baby snakes were more poisonous than adults. After telling me to stay put, my mom disappeared into the garage, and marched out a few seconds later with a shovel. I watched through the window as she proceeded to hack the snake into mincemeat. And I kid you not, with each thrust of the shovel, she let out what I can only describe as a war cry. Seriously, the thing was a pile of pulp by the time she was done. Hell hath no fury like a momma protecting her young. On one hand, I was absolutely horrified at the tiny mess she left, but on the other, I knew my mom would shelter me from harm no matter what.

Like this, only worse.

Not only is my mom one hell of a protector, but if ever I am in a pickle, I know I can go to her for advice. Some years back, after a particularly long night partying, I woke up in the morning for work to discover I had serious circles beneath my eyes. I’m talking Vince Vaughn-style, bags on top of bags puffiness. So after taking a shower, I put some chamomile tea bags on my eyes and lay down to let them work their magic. Ten minutes later, I pulled them off and went to go dry my hair. Imagine my surprise to look in the mirror and see that I had two red rectangles on my eyes. RED. My first thought was that I had some sort of allergic reaction to the tea, but upon closer inspection I could see the skin wasn’t irritated, it was just bright fucking red. As it turned out, I used cranberry chamomile tea.

Holy shit.

I had a half hour before work, and nothing I tried removed the stains. Nothing. Finally, I called my mom in desperation, and fortunately she picked up the phone. After listening to me explain my dire situation, she spent a solid minute laughing the kind of hysterical laughter than makes your eyes water. But, when she finally caught her breath, she suggested I smear whitening toothpaste on the area and let it sit for thirty seconds or so. And guess what? It took the stain right off (and stung a little, but it was totally worth it). To this day my entire family rags on me about that one, but I did make it into work, on time, without eye bags or bright red squares. Thanks, mom.

Happy Monday y’all.

PS – Due to some ridiculous nonsense, I am temporarily holding comments for moderation. It annoys me endlessly I have to do this.

 

Ask Vesta

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5

Happy Monday boys and girls. Today’s installment of Ask Vesta involves a tale of sinus betrayal…

Dear Vesta,

I just started seeing a girl and after we made out my sinuses got clogged, much like they do when my allergies (hay fever) are bad, within about 30 minutes. The thing is, I had a similar reaction when I had made out with my previous girlfriend too. Having now happened with multiple partners at different points during the year, I’m starting to worry I’m just allergic to other people’s saliva generally. Am I a freak or is this something you’ve heard about happening?

Sincerely,

The French Congestion

*****

Dear Congested,

Technically, yes you could be allergic to someone’s saliva, at least that’s what the interwebs tell me.

However.

I googled your predicament, and most of the instances I read about pertaining to allergic reactions to someone’s saliva involve breaking out in hives, not clogged sinuses. Also, if you have food allergies, read this. So, before we assume you’re allergic to swapping spit, let’s run through a few things…

You wrote this has happened previously, has it occurred with every person you’ve ever made out with, or only some of them? Are the only symptoms hay fever-like, or are there other indications of an allergic reaction?

Let me state that I’m not a doctor, so the following is only my speculation -

Are you sensitive to products? Detergents, perfumes, etc.? Because women wear all sorts of shit – hair products, perfume, scented powders and lotions, and don’t even get me started on face products. Most makeup primers, for example, contain silicone. Lip plumpers contain all sorts of irritants, and lip glosses often have mica as an ingredient to add a bit of sparkle. I personally am quite sensitive to perfume, so my immediate reaction to your dilemma was to think perhaps it isn’t the lucky lady’s saliva you are allergic to, but her fragrance, or face lotion? And if that’s the case, I’m not sure how you would go about testing which of her products might be the culprit, especially since the relationship is new. My advice? Take a Benadryl next time you have the opportunity make out, and make sure it’s a non-drowsy formula. Falling asleep mid-kiss wouldn’t be looked on kindly by your new lady friend.

Best of luck!!

*****

Gotta question? Send it to cowardlyfeminist at gmail dot com, with Ask Vesta in the subject heading. And yes, I learned my lesson about using long form.

 

I give extensions, spammers suck, and, Ask Vesta.

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17

Well Hello and Happy Monday, or what’s left of it, I should say. Before we get into this week’s Ask Vesta question, don’t forget to submit your cocktail photos for the contest, first place winner gets a $25 Amazon gift card. A couple of you sent emails about an extension, so let’s move the deadline to this Wednesday, July 11th. And for those of you that have submitted – thanks and awesome pics!

Also, you know how smart people give their email addresses long form, to keep spammers from spamming the ever-loving hell out of their inbox? Yeah, I didn’t do that in last week’s post. I opened my blog today to find a bajillion spam comments (go WordPress for filtering those punk-asses). Oddly enough, though they were from different locations, about half of them were more or less the exact same comment, and they all asked if the other commentors (yes, I know it isn’t a real word, but you know what I mean) are brain dead. Did y’all here that? Spammers are dissing you.

Anyhoo…

Dear Vesta,

K. and I were best friends all during college. Accidental roommates freshman year that actually worked out. After we moved away we still kept in touch via phone and email. And we tried to see each other once a year. We both understood the other’s quirks – especially when it came to relationships. Then, she moved to another country and we lost touch. I was going through some things and at first she would respond to my emails, supportive as always. After a few months, however, she stopped responding. Eventually I got tired of getting no response, so I stopped sending the emails. Now we’ve gone about a year and a half without talking – other than a few comments on photos via facebook. Obviously her being in another country makes phone calls hard, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for the occasional email.

Well, we did just reconnect via an email and subsequent google chat. I’m hopeful the communication continues, but not confident. The reason she got in touch was to ask for me address so she could invite me to her wedding. I knew she was engaged thanks to facebook, and I actually did meet this guy once, but I know very little about their relationship. But of course I am happy for her. The problem is I don’t feel like going. She was my best friend and there was never any question that I’d be at her wedding but with so little contact I’ve grown distant and am not at all excited – though I desperately want to be. The fact that it’s out of state for me and will involve expensive flights and travel just for a weekend trip should not matter for my bestie, but right now it feels like a burden. Also, she’s getting married on my anniversary! I am not too upset over this, since I don’t think she realized/did it on purpose. It’s more a matter of annoyance that the boyfriend and I have to celebrate another weekend. I know, it makes me sound childish! So how do I stop feeling resentful and just be happy for my friend?

Sincerely,

Should I stay or should I go?

***

Dear Should or Shouldn’t,

Okay, so let’s review – your friend lives out of the country, and for whatever reason the two of you haven’t had any communication other than the trivial facebook sort for over a year and a half. The reason she contacted you was to invite you to the wedding, not to be in the wedding, is that correct?

First, I wonder why exactly you feel resentful rather than pleased. Is it the inconvenience of having to spend time and money to attend a wedding on your anniversary? Or is it that she didn’t contact you personally to share the news of her engagement?

I would ignore the fact that she is getting married on your anniversary. Any number of reasons could account for that, from she simply didn’t think about it, to that particular date was the only one available for the wedding venue.

As for whether or not you should attend, I would say that is entirely up to you. In my opinion, out of the country weddings (or out of the country guests, in your case, since I assume she’s marrying somewhere in the vicinity of where she currently lives) aren’t mandatory to attend. Travel and lodging are pricey, and I think most people, while they would surely love to have you share in their special day, also understand it is asking a lot.

Having said that, if it is financially feasible for you and your guy to attend, then why not go? Book a nice hotel and look at it as a romantic weekend getaway, as well as an opportunity to see your old bestie get married.

If you choose not to go – send a gift, and a handwritten, heartfelt letter to your friend explaining how happy you are for her. It sounds as though both of you lament the fact that you have grown apart, otherwise why else would she have invited you to the wedding? Whatever happens, I hope the two of you are able to resume communication.

Good luck!

VV

Ask Vesta – Here we go…

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11

Holy Hell y’all, it’s time for the first installment of Ask Vesta. Today I am answering the very first question submitted, as well as the first non-sex-related question. But before I do that, let me just say over the weekend I got some incredibly awesome inquiries from you guys, and I will be responding to all of them. So make sure to stay tuned every Monday, and to send your questions to me at cowardlyfeminist@gmail.com, with Ask Vesta in the subject heading, ‘cause I’ll answer anything!

****

Dear Vesta,

What is the etiquette for who sleeps in the wet spot?

Thanks,

Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

Ninety percent of female readers just read your question and said, “You do.” I’m about to indulge in some gender stereotyping and assume you are a dude. Working under this assumption, I am going to suggest you take the chivalrous approach. Just as you would offer a lady use of your jacket if she were chilly, so should you offer to sleep in the wet spot.

Having said that, I would also like to point out the logical answer, which is that most of us have a chosen side of the bed in which we sleep, therefore who sleeps in the wet spot is predetermined. If it’s on your side, you sleep in it, if it’s on your partners, then he or she does.

If all else fails, flip a coin.

Don’t you have a spare set of sheets, for Pete’s sake?

****

Dear Vesta,

I’m not good at talking myself up. Is there any way to make self-deprecating humor a winning strategy in a job interview?

Sincerely,

Laugh and the world laughs with you

Dear Chuckles,

I thought quite a bit about this question. During my time as a recruiter, I interviewed thousands of people and hired several hundred. Of those, I remember the names of perhaps a dozen people. Job competition is extremely tough, and it can feel like a cattle call sometimes, both for the interviewed and the interviewer.

Humor can be an important tool in the interview process (but be careful – more on that later). Let’s face it, in today’s economy, everyone wants the job. A job, any job. Let’s say you have five equally qualified candidates all vying for one position. If experience, education, and work history are all more or less equal, what will the decision come down to? Personality. In this situation showing a bit of wit and humor during the interview process may be what sets you apart from other candidates.

However, it’s important to remember that a) everyone thinks they’re funny, but few people actually are, and b) use your judgment. If the person interviewing you seems very proper and business-like, humor might not be appreciated. So proceed with caution.

Self-deprecating humor, on the other hand, may work amongst friends and for standup comedians, but it has no place in a job interview. That is a time for you to shine. So I think the real issue to be addressed is the first part of your email, in which you wrote, I’m not good at talking myself up.

Selling yourself isn’t an easy thing to do, and for many people it doesn’t come naturally. I would suggest you force yourself to do it anyway, because the only people that can afford to not talk themselves up are those that have the funds to hire someone else to do it for them. Otherwise, you are your best and often only advocate.

Often times successful people are not the brightest or most talented in their chosen field, but the ones unafraid to take what they want.  Like it or not, in our particular culture, modesty does not pay off. Obviously there are exceptions to this rule, but as a whole, I think your best bet is to keep the humor, learn to be your own PR machine, and leave the self-deprecation at home.

****

Happy Monday everyone!