Tag Archives: Ask Vesta

Ask Vesta

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Happy Monday boys and girls. Today’s installment of Ask Vesta involves a tale of sinus betrayal…

Dear Vesta,

I just started seeing a girl and after we made out my sinuses got clogged, much like they do when my allergies (hay fever) are bad, within about 30 minutes. The thing is, I had a similar reaction when I had made out with my previous girlfriend too. Having now happened with multiple partners at different points during the year, I’m starting to worry I’m just allergic to other people’s saliva generally. Am I a freak or is this something you’ve heard about happening?

Sincerely,

The French Congestion

*****

Dear Congested,

Technically, yes you could be allergic to someone’s saliva, at least that’s what the interwebs tell me.

However.

I googled your predicament, and most of the instances I read about pertaining to allergic reactions to someone’s saliva involve breaking out in hives, not clogged sinuses. Also, if you have food allergies, read this. So, before we assume you’re allergic to swapping spit, let’s run through a few things…

You wrote this has happened previously, has it occurred with every person you’ve ever made out with, or only some of them? Are the only symptoms hay fever-like, or are there other indications of an allergic reaction?

Let me state that I’m not a doctor, so the following is only my speculation -

Are you sensitive to products? Detergents, perfumes, etc.? Because women wear all sorts of shit – hair products, perfume, scented powders and lotions, and don’t even get me started on face products. Most makeup primers, for example, contain silicone. Lip plumpers contain all sorts of irritants, and lip glosses often have mica as an ingredient to add a bit of sparkle. I personally am quite sensitive to perfume, so my immediate reaction to your dilemma was to think perhaps it isn’t the lucky lady’s saliva you are allergic to, but her fragrance, or face lotion? And if that’s the case, I’m not sure how you would go about testing which of her products might be the culprit, especially since the relationship is new. My advice? Take a Benadryl next time you have the opportunity make out, and make sure it’s a non-drowsy formula. Falling asleep mid-kiss wouldn’t be looked on kindly by your new lady friend.

Best of luck!!

*****

Gotta question? Send it to cowardlyfeminist at gmail dot com, with Ask Vesta in the subject heading. And yes, I learned my lesson about using long form.

 

Announcements, giving s*** away, and Ask Vesta.

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26

Well hello and happy Monday. It was not my intention to tease you guys with the announcement of an announcement last week, I just so happened to run into a snafu and had to push it to this week. Anyhoo, lots of things happening in the House of Vesta. First, I want to help you get your cocktail on this summer. So beginning tomorrow, June 26th, through Saturday, June 30th, you can download a copy of Drink Well for free on Amazon! Hell to the yes. If you don’t have an e-reader, fear not, you can download it right to your computer, or even your smartphone. Tomorrow I will post all the links.

Once you download Drink Well, and tell everyone you know to do so too, because hell, it’s free, your true mission will begin.

Mission, you say? What mission?

Your assignment is to make one of the cocktails in Drink Well, and then take a photo. Get creative folks. The book already contains twenty Glamour Shots of the cocktails, now I want you to get crazy. Once all the submissions are in, the top three most inventive pics will be posted on my blog. The first place winner will receive a $25 Amazon gift card.

So, let’s review –

*Everyone can download a copy of Drink Well, for free, June 26th – 30th!

*I am giving you license to make yourself a cocktail, and then take wild photos. Feel free to interpret that in any way you wish.

*The top three submissions get a shout out and their photo posted on the Cowardly Feminist.

*The winner, which will be determined by someone other than me, by the way, because I love you guys and therefore wouldn’t be able to choose, will win a $25 Amazon gift card.

The download period begins tomorrow and runs through Saturday, and you will have until July 8th to submit your cocktail pic. Winners will be announced the following Friday, during Happy Hour. Send your photo submissions to me at cowardlyfeminist@gmail.com, with Cocktail Photo Contest in the subject heading. Along with your photo, make sure to tell me which cocktail from Drink Well appears in your pic, and make sure to send either your name or your blog url and/or online identity (I know some of you keep it anonymous on the Big Bad Internet).

Oh, you’ve gotta be 21 to enter this contest folks, I do not want to ABC to rain hellfire down upon me. Woot.

M’kay, so now that announcement time is over, let’s move on to this week’s Ask Vesta question, which was a major toughie.

Dear Vesta,

How long is too long to hold onto a friendship that has drifted?

A friend of mine from years ago has become the single most high-maintenance person I know. Not only have we drifted apart, but I feel that she demands my attention more than I can give. She’s been on disability for years now, both she and her husband, so they are nearly homebound. Some people handle their hardships with grace, but these two prefer to believe the world is falling apart and expect us all to go out of our way to make their life better. She wants me to come over for some “girl time” but can never come to me, or even meet me halfway, and for me to go to her is over an hour drive. When I don’t respond with appropriate sympathy at her or her husband’s latest ailment, I’m lambasted – at least I assume I’m included in the general lambast that goes out on Facebook.

Honestly, when we can get together we enjoy each other’s company, but not like before. She and I are on the same wavelength intellectually, but personality-wise and culturally, we have drifted. I find that I’m censoring myself because I no longer believe or act the way she and I used to. And whenever we are at the point of getting together, she will text me umpteen times a day to figure things out. She’s a pain, Vesta, and I don’t know if the mild enjoyment of her company is worth the trouble it takes to get there. I feel like the only reason I maintain this friendship is because she’s in bad health. Is it noble, or hypocritical to keep this up? How long should this umbilical cord be?

…and then, how DO I break the tie?

Burning Bridges

Dear Burning,

My, oh my, you have a tough decision.

My first question to you would be this – have you explained your feelings to this person? Telling someone that they’ve ultimately become a high-maintenance time-suck is bound to be an uncomfortable conversation, however, it is likely she simply is not aware of the person she has become (I’m assuming she wasn’t always this way). Upon telling your friend the truth, one of two things will happen, well, one thing will most certainly happen – and that is, her initial reaction will probably be one of anger and hurt.

My advice is, when that happens, don’t back down.

Years ago, a good friend of mine made a reference to my manner of dealing with people, and it was rather unflattering. My feelings were hurt, and my initial reaction was to say ‘I don’t do that!’ I went home and thought about it, and realized my friend was right. It fundamentally changed how I interact with people, in a good way. And you know something? I’m still friends with her, all these years down the road. She did me a favor by telling me the truth.

Your friend may or may not have the same reaction. If she chooses to accept what you said, and subsequently examines her behavior, she might make changes. If she decides to stay angry, and continue along the ‘woe is me’ path, then the decision of how to cut off the friendship will already be made – by her.

Friends are a precious and important part of our lives, and they should be treated well. That said, not everyone is meant to travel with you all through life. We grow as people, interests change, and sometimes friendships that worked well in younger years don’t translate to later in life. You say you continue to act as a friend due to her bad health, and that is very decent of you. However, a person can be in poor health for decades. How long do you think you can keep up your friendship in its current state? Of course you want to stand by friends and family, but that does not necessarily mean you should perpetually be the giver of sympathy. At some point, when confronted by a demanding person who takes and takes, you will run out of things to give, namely time and empathy.

Clearly, at one point you valued your relationship with this woman, because of that, do her the courtesy of explaining your feelings regarding her attitude and actions. If you do decide to break ties with her, don’t allow her to make you feel guilty. This is your life, and the choice to surround yourself with positive people is yours.

***

Don’t forget to send your questions to me at cowardlyfeminist@gmail.com, with Ask Vesta in the subject heading. I’ll answer anything!

Women are animals. And, Ask Vesta.

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19

Happy Monday folks, I’m starting today off with a mini-rant.

A couple weeks ago a TJ Maxx opened near us. I’ve never been to one. My husband suggested we check it out, because we were right there, and he knows I like a good deal. All I can say is…never again. I haven’t witnessed this level of grabbiness since the one and only time I went to a Victoria’s Secret annual sale. Women were literally fighting with each other over the bins of panties. My feeling was, if you want this thong so badly that you’re willing to cut a bitch for it, then it’s all yours.

Anyway, I wandered over to a rack of summer dresses, and as I reached for one, a woman came out of nowhere and snatched it. Seriously. She wasn’t anywhere near me, but as soon as she saw my hand moving, she zoomed in ninja-style. We weren’t even the same size, so Lord only knows what she planned to do with it. I was a little dumbfounded, but more than anything else amused, so I laughed. She gave me the stank eye and a tongue click of bitchiness before sauntering off. Wellllll, okay. A few minutes later it happened again, over a pair of jeans. With a different woman. This time I didn’t laugh, but I was growing frustrated with the dog eat dog mentality of my fellow shoppers.

I finally ended up in the shoe section, where I saw a pair of sandals I had been eying at DSW, but weren’t available in my size. And there they were, the only pair, so I reached out to snag them. Some bitch with a baby stroller and an arm full of clothing tried to take them from me. Well guess what? You cannot cross Vesta three times, so you best believe I won that round.

I would like to point out that none of the men in the store behaved in this manner. Of course, most of them seemed to be tasked with watching children, or holding onto whatever items their wives/girlfriends had triumphantly scavenged. I’m sure there is some male equivalent to the TJ Maxx/Victoria’s Secret Sale Syndrome, but what it might be, I haven’t a clue.

Okay, end Monday Rant. Now onto Ask Vesta. I chose to answer only one question this week because it was a doozy, and I have a feeling many of you will have advice to give this person as well.

Dear Vesta,

I’ve been married four times. The first marriage was a mistake of youth. The second marriage (to the father of my son) didn’t work out but I don’t regret it. After that, however, I married the wrong man and quickly divorced. I then married another wrong man and am now in a miserable marriage. I feel like a failure. I am humiliated. I knew this guy was going to turn out to be a jerk, somewhere inside me I knew it. However, I am terrified of being alone and I cannot be on my own – I can’t afford it financially, practically, etc. I just can’t do it. But my current husband is a total jerk. A fourth divorce – I would be so humiliated. And I can’t be on my own. And yet I am miserable all the time to the point where I can’t even really go to the bathroom or eat food.. I can’t divorce because I would feel shame and I live in a small town. I can’t move away because I share custody of my son. I can’t bear this situation and I don’t know what to do. What should I do?

Thanks,

In Trouble

Dear In Trouble,

Did you know the word ‘can’t’ appears in your letter eight times, and the sentence, “I can’t be on my own” twice?

Yes, you can.

There are so many things to address here, but let’s start with this feeling you have that you cannot be on your own. I hate to break this to you, but that is a crutch. You certainly can not only be on your own, but thrive. It won’t be easy, but it can be done. Life as a single mother is hard, as many readers of this blog can attest. I understand the financial burden will be heavy, but you can make it work. What prevents you from doing so, is you. You have created a mindset that you are unable to survive without the help of someone else. Have you considered that the damage you are doing to yourself and children by staying in a miserable marriage is worse than the struggle of going it alone? You said your current husband is a ‘total jerk’. That is vague, so I’m not certain what exactly is happening, but if he is being abusive, physically or mentally, then you need to get out. And if you aren’t willing to do it for yourself, then please do it for the sake of your child.

As for your feeling that divorce will cause humiliation…I think many people feel embarrassment over divorce, whether it’s the first or the fifth time. While I fully acknowledge shame to be an overwhelmingly powerful emotion, it shouldn’t factor into your decision to dissolve your marriage. The feeling will pass. You said you live in a small town, so I assume you are worried about gossip. Perhaps for a time you might be the center of attention, but eventually someone else will do something to take the spotlight.

You mentioned you can’t afford to be on your own, either practically or financially. I think you can, but with so many things to take into consideration, it is likely difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Let’s break it down into pieces. You said you don’t regret your second marriage, so I assume the two of you have a somewhat civil relationship. Does he pay child support? Consistently? Can you count on him to share the financial burden of raising your son? Do you yourself have an income, and if not, are you job hunting? As for childcare, since you live in the same town, perhaps you should sit down with your ex and try to work out a system to accommodate your work schedules. Do either of you have family nearby that could assist in after school care-taking?

You are battling a tough decision, and only you can decide what is best. If you are deeply unhappy, you need to find the courage to leave your current situation. However, you did not specify what is amiss in your marriage, other than to say your husband is a total jerk. Is this jerkiness irresolvable? I ask because, let’s face it, long term relationships are not easy. My husband probably thinks I am a total jerk at least once a week, and I him. It happens in the best of relationships. If you do decide to divorce, I highly recommend staying single for a while. A long while. This feeling of not being able to survive without someone in your life comes from insecurity. Learn to be comfortable with yourself before you embark on a relationship with anyone else.

*****

Happy Monday y’all!

Ask Vesta!

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13

Hey kids, happy Tuesday, and I hope each and every one of you enjoyed the long weekend. And now for the second installment of Ask Vesta:

Dear Vesta,

Do you believe people can change?

Sincerely,

Wants to Know

Dear Wants to Know,

That is a tricky question. Obviously we change with age, so I assume we are taking transformation relating to increasing maturity out of the equation, which leaves us to ponder whether or not a fully-formed adult is capable of change. In general, I don’t believe so. People’s ways and views are usually deeply ingrained, and each individual’s web of being is constructed over a long period of time. That is not to say a person will never change. If the web is broken by some life-shattering event, such as serious illness, death in the family, or perhaps witnessing something traumatic or catastrophic, then a person might be inclined to change, and hopefully for the better. I also think a person who has made a series of poor decisions, and as a result hits ‘rock bottom’, is capable of change. Take for instance someone with drug or alcohol problems, or someone who has created financial chaos in their life and as a result brought about fiscal ruin. Those are hard lessons learned, but for those that do, the result could be lifestyle changes for the better. I think it’s also worth mentioning that sometimes a person doesn’t necessarily have to fall down a black hole to do an about-face. For example, I have someone in my life that was diagnosed with type II diabetes, which prompted the person to completely change a lifetime of terrible eating habits.

As for the individual that promises to change his or her ways for the sake of doing so? In my opinion it’s a rare occurrence, not without something to propel them toward transformation. It it were that easy then more people would stick to their New Year’s resolutions. Perhaps one can change temporarily, but more often than not people revert back to old ways. Of course there are exceptions to that – I’m sure we all know someone who has undergone huge change simply because he or she decided it was time.

****

Hi Vesta,

Where can I see a unicorn? What do I have to do? Revirginization?

I’ve been waiting for years to see one, and now I’m worried that day will never come.

Thanks for your help,

Waiting

Dear Waiting,

Last week we discussed vaginal rejuvenation. While we did not specifically address revirginization and unicorns, I’d like to point out that any doctor that claims he or she can assist you in your mythical creature quest via nip/tuck to the mudgeon is steering you wrong. Don’t fall for it, it’s nothing but a marketing ploy. Besides, even if you close the gate after the horse got out, it still got out, you know what I’m saying?

I hope so, because I’m a little fuzzy myself.

As for unicorn viewing, I guess you could take a hallucinogenic, but not whatever the one is that turns people into cannibals, that shit is no good. Personally I wouldn’t recommend doing drugs, not only are they illegal, but also because you can’t really control what you hallucinate. It would totally suck if you were expecting rainbows and unicorns and ended up with killer clowns, or a room full of Snookis. Having said that, there is a very real possibility that if you get your wisdom teeth removed, you will not only have the opportunity to ride a unicorn, but also to appear as a guest on the Ellen Degeneres Show.

Unicorn is a state of mind, my friend.