Tag Archives: people are funny

Everyone calm the hell down

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We are not a family that does grocery shopping for the week. I always see folks with carts filled to the brim with stuff, but I just can’t do it. Number one, that would require me to push a cart around the store, and I refuse to do that, if I can’t fit what I need into a basket then I’m buying too much. And second, I have no clue as to what I might want to eat two days from now, and neither does my husband. Typically, if I buy food that isn’t meant to be consumed within the following 48 hours, it doesn’t get eaten – it’ll just sit there, slowly expiring, until I toss it in the trash. This of course means that I probably go to the grocery store four or five times a week – I suppose it takes more time than doing one round where I load up on stuff, but I’m usually in and out in a few minutes so it isn’t all that bad.

More trips to the store, however, also means more possibilities to run into weirdos and assholes.

Yesterday I didn’t make it to the market until early afternoon, a terrible time to shop, as the store is always filled with Sunday cart loaders. It wouldn’t be so bad, except for all the people in the habit of leaving their cart in the middle of an aisle while they wander off to find ketchup or whatever, leaving others to push carts out of the way to get at stuff. And then there are the Siamese Shoppers, couples that don’t split up in order to divide and conquer the store as quickly as possible, and instead stay attached at the hip while having a long and drawn out conversation about whether they should get skim or two percent.

Anyway, I wove my way around to get what I needed and then jumped in line. In general, I accept the fact that, no matter what, I will always choose the wrong line – it saves me from a lot of unnecessary frustration. This time was no different. The person in front of me unloaded a salad onto the conveyor, put a stick down behind it, and then spent a great deal of time choosing a pack of gum. I didn’t think much about it, and set my stuff down behind his salad. The cashier immediately turned on the conveyor, moving his item down the way so she could scan it. Then the guy got his panties in a knot because, as it turned out, he still had a basket in his hand filled with groceries. So one by one he hands over his things to the cashier to ring up, bitching the whole time, and alternating dirty looks between me and the checker.

Whatever.

Meanwhile, the guy in line behind me was slowly building up to the world’s biggest conniption fit, because the man in front was taking so much time. He lined up his stuff into a compact formation, right behind the stick I put down. The entire time the dude in front of me was having a hissy fit, the one behind me was doing an antsy pants dance, and slowly pushed his items, and thus mine as well, forward onto the non-moving conveyor belt. Eventually he shoved everything so far forward that my items spilled off the belt, right in front of the cashier. By that time the grumpy man in front paid, gave one final harrumph at me and the checkout girl, and stomped off.

The cashier rang up my stuff, which didn’t take long as I only had three things, and then gave me the total. In the time it took for me to hand over the money and wait for my change, which was, oh, about ten seconds, the antsy man nearly blew his lid. It would have been funny, but he was literally about three inches away from me, and totally invading my personal bubble. Me putting my change away was the straw that broke the camel’s back, I guess, because he started making loud and insistent noises of disgust. I’m kind of surprised he didn’t explode. The moment I moved my wallet, he slammed down his backpack, triumphantly claiming the checkout line as his own.

Um, okay. I guess you win?

I walked to my car, wondering why people feel the need to freak out over absolutely nothing, and as I got in noticed a family directly across from me. For some unknown reason, one of them had on a horse head. They were all talking excitedly, a mile a minute, punctuated with hysterical laughter every ten seconds or so, and in general were having a grand time. It was totally awesome.

Thank God there are happy people out there to negate the dickery of other folks.

I interrupt my regular blogging to talk to you about absurdity.

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So I had a post semi-written for today, but I got distracted by mermaids and the gullibility of people, and decided to post about that instead.

Mermaid: The Body Found.

Apparently it aired last week (not having cable, I hadn’t heard about it until now). Since we spoke about conspiracy theories a few days ago, it only seems fitting I address this. I couldn’t find the trailer on You Tube, so here’s the link to it (and please note the comments, which are the best part). If you didn’t just watch the trailer, then skip the rest of this and jump to the video. Have I mentioned I am deathly afraid of sharks? I can’t even look at a picture of one without getting goose bumps. Ridiculous, but true. Even the crappy cgi sharks in the trailer gave me the heebie jeebies, which is absurd, because one part of my brain is thinking, how did anyone believe this? While the other is saying, watch out!

And here’s the snippet of the mockumentary in which some kids find a mer-creature washed ashore:

The first clue people should have had that this was a fake was when the kid poked the half-dead merman. The initial reaction to seeing a never before seen creature is not to poke it, that only happens in movies. And we all know poking something that appears dead will lead to you being eaten alive by a monster/zombie/crazed serial killer.

The point of my post is that people watched this and thought it was true.

Mermaids. True.

Yes, I’ve openly stated I believe the Loch Ness Monster could exist, so I suppose if you want to argue there are mermaids too, then okay (but seriously, you really believe that? Nessy is a leftover dinosaur, which is logical. Half man, half fish creatures?  Well, if you say so). I’m not bothered that there are folks out there that apparently believe in mermaids, my problem is that they think they watched a documentary that revealed some mermaid cover up by the government, on Animal Planet.

Geez, I’m not even sure what to say, except that Orsen Welles would be proud. Look, I didn’t watch the show. However, it is my understanding there were disclaimers that it was science fiction. And honestly? Even if there weren’t, who believes that something as fantastical as the existence of mermaids is going to be introduced to the world via a cable television show? I don’t know how scientists, or the government, or whoever would be in charge, might decide to release such information to the public, but I’m guessing it would be something a tad more official than Animal Planet.

I think we need to give a big ass kudos to whatever exec gave this show the green light. It was the most watched show they’ve aired since the Steve Irwin memorial. Two million people tuned in, and it has spawned a number of articles written by people upset with the channel for giving credence to what is essentially science fiction. You know what the network peeps are saying? Nothing, they had a record viewing, and now they are all doing a money dance.

I think we’ve just seen the future, my friends. I am seriously considering making all the characters in my new book mer-people. Who cares if almost none of it takes place in water? Did you see the merman in the video? He was alive, and if Animal Planet says they can live out of water, then it must be true. Screw zombies and vampire hunters, mer-creatures are where it’s at.

It’s going to be a best seller.

Are you guys are messing with me?

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I know, I know. You aren’t supposed to blog about blogging. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out why a previous cocktail post has become such a huge hit all of a sudden. It was The Snoop Edition, and for some inexplicable reason, over the last few days a large number of people ended up at my blog via the search term ‘snoop’. At first I thought Snoop Dogg might have done something, but no one has entered Snoop with a capitalized S, or Snoop Dogg, just snoop. Someone, please explain who is snooping what. I need to know.

Do you know what I didn’t need to know? While googling snoop to see what was so freaking interesting, I discovered Mr. Dogg has a book coming out. It’s smoke-able. How many friggin’ talented writers can’t get published? But Snoop Dogg can publish a book of song lyrics that double as rolling papers?

 

Oh the humanity.

 

 

Anyhoo, back to search terms. WordPress needs some sort of a plugin that allows quick, short responses to search terms. Because seriously, some people really need answers. Here’s a short list of stuff that my husband and I laughed at this morning (and no, not one of them are made up – sadly there were many, many more that were too vulgar or weird to publish. Maybe I need to clean up my language).

Is jeggings cameltoe a bad thing?

Yes.

Is it bad I have cameltoe?

Hell yes.

Are camel toes bad?

Jeebus I already answered that. Oh wait, you mean camel toes plural. Yes, multiple camel toes are also bad. Do you have two vaginas?

Is it wrong that I want to show my camel toe?

Okay, seriously. Is it the same freaking person entering in different versions of this question? Yes, it’s wrong. No one wants to see it!

And finally –

Do chili peppers hurt my ass?

Go ahead and give it a try. Hope everything comes out all right.

 

Joyless Exercise

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So last night I was reading a book (The Leftovers, Tom Perrotta), and one of the characters had this inner monologue about her daily bike ride. She referred to the other people she passed as being “out for some joyless, life-prolonging exercise.”

And that is how I often look at it – exercising is like eating raw broccoli, it sucks, but it’s good for you.

My husband and I have acquaintances that are gung-ho about biking, running, swimming, etc. Like, they enjoy it, and get all pumped and voluntarily enter themselves into Iron Mans and whatnot. My step mom runs half marathons and truly seems to enjoy the training. And she and my dad go hiking for scenery and exercise all the time. That is totally not me. Maybe if I were walking in a forest or something I’d marvel at the beauty of the birds and bees. But I’m trekking through my neighborhood, which is pretty, but I’ve seen it a thousand times. I work out almost daily, and I do it because it’s what you do to stay healthy. Besides, I don’t have a choice – I have to exercise to keep my blood sugar stable. If I skip more than a day, it gets out of whack and I feel shaky and awful.

But that doesn’t mean I like it.

I always feel better afterward, but the act of exercising doesn’t fill me with warm and fuzzy thoughts. Typically, about three days a week I ride a stationary bike and read from my Kindle to pass the time (books are too bulky). The other days I go for a walk or jog, and while I enjoy getting fresh air, I’m not exactly pondering nature (except the parrots, I ponder the parrots). I use the time to think through story lines, or work out something with a character in my book, or whatever. I alternate several routes, and once I decide where I’m going my feet set to autopilot. I think and I walk, and see pretty much nothing, because I’m killing time until I arrive back at the front door of my apartment. So after reading that line and categorizing myself as a joyless exerciser, I decided to pay attention to my surroundings today, and take a little pleasure in my hour trek.

This got boring and quickly translated into people watching. And people are pretty freaking funny.

The Spastic Runner – We passed each other twice. He wore a beanie and mittens (which might sound normal to some of you, but it’s been in the 80s here – not exactly mitten weather), and running like…well, I don’t even know how to describe it. Let’s just say there was seriously wild locomotion happening, and both times I passed him he was doing ‘jazz hands’. Mittened jazz hands at that. It might sound like I’m making fun of him, but I’m not, mostly because he put a huge smile on my face. This guy genuinely seemed to be having a grand ole time, and had enough joy for me and everyone else out there.

The Passive Aggressive Couple – These are the folks who clearly see you coming, because they are both looking at you, dammit. And yet they refuse to share the sidewalk, forcing you onto the street or someone’s yard. Don’t bother saying good morning to Passive Aggressive Couple, they won’t respond, leaving you to wonder if perhaps you ran over their cat in a previous life.

Just Like You – I passed her three times, I think she was running a loop. Head down, grim face, on a mission to get some damn exercise.

Prissy dog Lady – Full-on hair and makeup to go with full-on work out gear (quite a fashion statement). Her tiny teacup dog had hair just as silky as hers, complete with bows. And, she did not clean up after her dog, probably because she didn’t want to break a nail.

Dogs in a Stroller Lady – Unfortunately I’ve run into her before, many, many times. She pushes her tiny, white and furry dogs in a stroller. It’s ridiculous, to say the least. In the dozens of times I’ve run into her, I’ve never seen her actually walking the dogs, she just…pushes them. Sure, they’re small, but they are dogs not babies. I also hold her responsible for the fact that my dog, Spazzy, hates strollers. Once I was walking Spaz, and one of the dogs leapt from the stroller and attacked Spazzy. Part of me thought it was funny, because usually she’s the aggressor, but not this time. Spazzy looked shocked as shit when that dog came at her. However, she now has a lifelong hatred for strollers, thanks to that woman and her stupid dog, which sucks. The last thing you want is for your dog to go ballistic on every child you pass, but Spazzy is convinced any baby in a stroller is hiding a freaking terrier. Note to Stroller Lady – put the damn dogs on a leash.

I think I’m going back to my old routine. People watching was fun, today, but that hour seemed a lot longer than it usually does. I spent the last ten minutes of my walk pondering a search term that led someone to my blog –

If women have camel toe then what do men have?

Yes indeedy, one of life’s important questions. If you find the answer then let me know.